After a odd couple of months I am back! With the help of a iPad mini and a cute little key board, I am ready to blog once again! Also love this WordPress app to!
So anyways life’s been alright. i have 4 days till I get to go on a awesome cruise with my mom and only one day of work separates me from that! Get to see Cozumel Mexico, Honduras, and Belize! I have never been that far south before. A little nervous. Got my pass port(finally,) insurance,and am starting to feel like an adult. It’s weird to think that way sometimes. Mostly I am just waiting for he big adult moments. Wedding, kids, house ect. Starting to feel like they will never get here. Doesn’t help that I have to wait on someone for all of those things, and I do not like relying on other people. Like ever. So it’s a humbling experience to say the least.
I had two of my guinea pigs pass away suddenly. It was hard.I do not have a herd anymore, just a pair. Believe it or not they have their own little wheeks just like people have their own voice. I miss them. Poor things. The other two are now in a massive cage alone. I bought it when I had four, but by the time it got here I only had two. It was a suck ball time. The other two seem to be doing ok though. enjoy the space they now have and get more attention that ever.
Savannah the bunny is as sassy as ever. She just got a new cage today and is not happy about it. Keeps giving me the glaring eye of death. She’ll get over it…hopefully lol
Now I just feel like my life is a huge waiting game. Everything I want really bad, I have to wait on. it is so frustrating. I just want good things to happen to me for once. I am happy for other people who get to post all their photos and memories on Facebook about their special time, but in the back of my mind all I can think about is “When will it ever be my turn?”. Then I feel like an ass for not just being happy for them(which I am honestly). It’s a horrible cycle of just watching everyone else get what I want soo bad I can’t even describe the angst.
Started getting things together to get back to school for real this time. I miss having a life outside work and my apartment. I feel lost and kinda numb to the outside anymore. Like stuck in a low place and all I want is out. I just can’t seem to find it. I am hoping this cruise and some sunlight will help get me out of this funk. I so need sun shine and temps above -8. I have been shivering for months now. It’s exhausting.
Well I am going to pack a few things and then maybe find some food because I am starving. lol night
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After a odd couple of months I am back! With the help of a iPad mini and a cute little key board, I am ready to blog once again! Also love this WordPress app to!
Been doing much thinking lately about my life. Things I should have done differently, things I did and do right, people who I give way to much power, and how I honestly shouldn’t care what people think. The last one is super hard. My family has some pretty harsh cries on me. I haven’t really given then a reason to think otherwise, however they haven’t really asked why I react to things the way I do. What is harsh or mean to them has a reasoning behind it. Usually I’m hurt and lash out, but mostly it how I don’t even get looked in the eye by most of them.
The other day we were together and I didn’t get a second glance by some of them. Even as I was explaining something they were too busy with their phones to even look up. What I was saying wasn’t even the least bit interesting. I shrugged it off mostly but it still hurt. I’m not “adult” enough for them. I live with my boy friend, pay all my bills(and have since I was 18) have a nice job with benefits and paid holidays and time off…but I’m not married to my boy friend. We should have “saved” ourselves. We’re atheists. Ect. Basically not good enough. It’s fine, it’s been that way for a way long time. My brothers and I are used to this. Still hurts. To this day. Stings the heart a lot.
So I’m trying to think positive.
I have a great boy friend. He’s wonderful. He’s not the super attentive clingy bf. We actually spend a lot of time apart because of work schedules. I work midnights, he works days so we don’t see each other much. In a weird way it makes our relationship stronger and better. Since we don’t see each other everyday we love having days together and it’s special every time. :-) We are super laid back with everything but money and bills. We are money nazis. I guess both of us being virgos does that! ;-)
So anyways back to my point…I’ve been think about the things I love in my life. I just bought a new lens and hood for my Canon Rebel XS camera. Totally pumped. Why did I buy a new lens you ask? Good question! Jeff and I are going to the Headlands Dark Park up in Mackinaw City Michigan. On the tip of the mitten. The annual meteor shower, the Perceids, is going to hit its peak on the 13th of August. Jeff and I are hoping to make it up to see this awesome event in all it’s glory. The Headlands is a silver rated park(gold being the highest) and is probably the best place to see stars in the lower peninsula. So with a meteor shower with a height of 100 an hour this should be amazing! Jeff has never seen a shooting star in his whole life. I’ve been watching them my whole life. My mother introduced my father to it when they were dating, now ill do the same. Kinda pumped. If we see the Milky Way(usually better seen in the spring) he’ll see that for the first time too. Very exciting!
We’ve planned out trip and got hungry and ate attempting to make homemade ice cream. So far do good and it’s fun and smells delicious!
In the car today we started talking about places we’d like to visit. Just in the US for now, and other countries as we get the money. It was fun. I like that we make some small plans toward the future. Makes me feel like we actually have one, which truly is a first for me. I’ve always dreamed of the future, but for some one to help dream back makes me smile for miles. It’s a good fuzzy feeling :-)
I’m so tired about being told that everything will change when I get married. That somehow my relationship will magically change once we say I do, and that somehow new rules apply. I don’t believe that. I believe it will happen if you chose for it to happen. The only things I want to change in my relationship after our marriage is I get some bling and a new last name. That’s it. If you go about it that way, that’s how it will be.
It took me a long time but I’m over the notion of the romantic love. Not to say Jeff can’t be romantic, he certainly can, and is, but we don’t act like giddy teenagers. We don’t need to be with each other 24/7 or can be apart for days if need be and are not to bothered by it. Perhaps it’s because we both are the type of people that we do what we gotta do to survive. It’s nothing personal, we just understand that sometimes we won’t see each other or be near each other. It’s not the end of the world and I’m sure this wont be the only time in our lives together it’ll happen.
I don’t expect Jeffrey to be my everything I need in life. This is unrealistic for any one person. He understands that I have friends I confide in and talk to about things in depth that I might not talk to much about with him. He does the same with his friends. We don’t hide that we talk to the other people but are comfortable about the fact we so it. Apparently this is odd. I trust Jeff to not run away with any girl he meets so I don’t care if he talks to people or other girls. In fact he does it and I laugh. His ex even asked him out to dinner with her best friend. He asked if he could go and I let him. I trust him and I hope he trusts me.
This whole, it all changes thing, just really bothers me. It changes if you let it. I love how my relationship is. I love how we are two independent people with our own goals and dreams. I love how we work together and lift each other for those dreams. We are business partners as well as best friends and lovers. And I love that. I love my non conventional, to everyone else, life with him.
Sometimes I feel bad that my life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies,but I know it’s because we are realists. We understand that anything could happen in our lives. We both come from divorce families, and we talk about that. About what we would want if that happened and people get so confused about that. Like it’s the most disgusting thing they have ever heard. They think it’s a way to doom ourselves, like simply talking about it makes it true. I think talking about it makes us smart, but apparently I’m crazy. I take all my options and put ten in the table, same as Jeff. I love that about us.
I’ve learned that everyone will want your relationship to be one way and find it odd when it isn’t. Some people can have super flamboyant, touchy feely, relationships and be fine with that. Some of my friends do, but I’m over that. I guess I realized after getting my heart stomp on a few times that the personal loyalty to you is the most important thing ever. Not their affection to you in public. Jeff and I hold hands, sit next to each other, occasionally a peck on the check or top if head and that’s the end if it. Not make out sessions or anything creepy. We are adults, lol, we act like it. Now at home we are stupid with each other but that is a different story! :-)
I guess really all I’m saying is I should shrug off what people keeps saying when I tell them about Jeff and I’s relationship. I value opinion but unless you’ve seen us together and often together you can’t really tell. He’s kinda shy till you get to know him. And once he knows you(and many people can attest to this) he will drop anything to help you. Even drive alley way to Monroe to save a girls best friend.
Yeah I think I’ll keep him <3
I dream of the future he thinks if now. Between the two of us life doesn't stand a chance :)
I’ve been trying to figure out my life lately because honestly I have no idea what I’m doing. I work, sleep, eat and repeat. I just feel lost I guess. Left behind is a better term. Watching everyone do great things. Then there is me. I, um, I have a job?
I mean really that’s all I have. I pay my bills, put gas in my car, visit mom dad and Oma…hang with the brothers, text friends occasionally, and sown time with Jeff. That’s my little life.
I’m not really complaining. Not entirely. I just miss summers of friends. I miss the smell of wood chips and campfires. The sound of the woods. Staying up all night with friends who felt more like siblings. I miss camp and summer time makes me home sick. Well camp sick to be truthful. But there’s a problem, what I miss I can’t get back. It’s only in memories I can visit. Sure I could go there right now and the place is physically intact, but the people are missing. That warmth and safety is shattered. That just makes me sad. One persons mistake made my happiness into sadness. My one happy place tainted with memories I can’t smile about anymore. It’s just sad.
So I sit here awake at 4am bored and lonely. Jeff’s asleep lightly snoring and it isn’t helping me sleep lol. I miss people. I miss having a tight family. I miss having a cousin so close she was a sister, having 7 extra younger brothers not just cousins. I miss long one on one conversations with my aunts and uncles. They all have lives now and I just pretend to not notice that I get overlooked or ignored.
Meh life I guess. It moves on even if you don’t. So here I sit just as confused and the day out of high school on what to do with my life. I thought I knew, but self doubt kills me. I’m not smart or charismatic. I’m not pretty or fashion savvy. I’m just lost and alone as always.
It’s ok, I mean honestly I’ve been this way for a long time. Years really. I’ve let a few people in, but most don’t really know me anymore. They don’t take the time to learn either. They have their own lives. In many ways I will always be a child wanting approval from someone. I think that’s ok, if I lived my life just not caring it would be worse.Many people probably think that’s how I lie my life. Couldn’t be farther from the truth. I chose my words wisely and for a purpose. You might not know why, but you are not supposed to. I get more information that way. More honest input to true feelings. It’s and interesting little thing I do I suppose. But I has consequences.
I’m grateful to have my brothers so close and understand me. Seriously. They are awesome. I’m happy we are still close and I love that we fight and come out stronger. I love them to bits.
I don’t know what to do with my life. I really don’t. I’m not particularly good at anything. I don’t stand out. I just am.
Been super awake lately. Not good. So bored. On the nights I work, yes it’s good. On the days I do not, it’s bad. I lay there unable to sleep, so many thoughts running through my head. Rather frustrating. Also waking up to a hot flash and being hungry are no fun either.
Got paid today, which means paying rent, shopping, and cleaning the apartment. Jeff works all the days I do not, and I work all the days he does not. So that’s been interesting. Then the times we are home together my sleep schedule has me sleeping during the day and up at night. Making any time together with one of us fighting to stay awake. I can’t wait till he’s out of school. Maybe then we will have time together.
I’ve been evaluating my life. Been interesting. I keep coming to the quite about the butterfly and the hurricane. “When a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world it can cause a hurricane in another part of the world.” I have been both the butterfly and the hurricane. Caused damage while knowing, as other times not. I’d you dug down any object I had to anything was rooted in caution, weariness, and protection. I am the very word of “protective momma bear”.
I may not have babies yet but hurt my family and I will eat you. I have been quiet for most recent events. Bit my tongue. Only time will tell if what I foresee happening does. So far I’ve been spot on. Seriously. I’m good at reading people and situations. It might offend you, sure but I can tell I’d something is off. Even in my own relationships. Though I too always play a blind eye to reason.
It’s honesty strange to me that I ended up with someone like Jeff. For a long time I thought I knew what I needed in a relationship. I’d been in some pretty good ones, even loved a few, but it wasn’t until recently that I really discovered what I needed. It’s been an interesting journey of 2.5 years(and counting!) I can not wait for more. With any luck by the end of the year we shall know if we will be staying in Michigan. Should be interesting. I do have few states off limits. Tennessee, for one, not a fan. Georgia, too hot and sticky. Ohio is not an option either lol. I’d really like North Carolina, Arizona, maybe Colorado? Who knows. Can’t be picky with jobs in his line of work.
Some place with good schools, pretty scenery, and jobs lol. Oh and affordable housing. Perhaps close to an airport so I can come home to visit. Or within driving distance. Blah I’m rambling.
Also I saw this awesome robot on Ted and now I want it! robot! it’s soo cute! Plus I think it would be fun to play with. But I’d need an iPad. Lol. Seriously he’s adorable. I want one!
Well it’s light out here and I should be looking for breakfast. Have a good morning. I’m sure ill crash sometime today. Hopefully. I need sleep. Only 2-5 hours in 24 hours :-/
So it’s been quite a while since I updated last. Noting huge or new has happened. In fact, my life has been rather dull. Really dull actually. I need a vacation. I finished my taxes and cleaned my apartment. That has been the most I have done in a little over a month. I’ve been working of course, but that doesn’t bring me much enjoyment. Little if truth be told. I enjoy who I work with, but not what I do. I need to find a hobby. I love taking photos but haven’t really been motivated to take any. I should though. I’m ok, not great, but not awful. I wish there was a class or something I could take. That would be wonderful. l then I could learn some new stuff. I think that is really what I need, to find something to learn. I’ve been so bored since I left school.
Yes I’m trying to get back in but I have heard a few things that have made me hesitate. Apparently you have to euthanize a rat in one of your classes. I have no problem euthenizing an animals that is in pain or suffering, but to senselessly do it really bothers me. I know if I work in a shelter that will happen a lot. Many animals will have to get put down and they will be healthy, viable, adoptable animals. That will bother me. I really hope to work in a clinic or even a animal hospital. But to do it for a grade? That just makes me sick to my stomach. Everyone should know that I am pro hunting, pro eating meat, but this feels more like murder. It makes me uncomfortable.
Spring is almost here in this great state. Was 50 today, it even rained! Tomorrow is supposed to be above 50 also. I feel all giddy inside over it. Maybe that is something I can take photos of. The flowers of spring, if I can find any that is. I work the next two days off the weekend, then work Monday and Tuesday. Its not a horrible schedule just many days between working and not. Makes me a little lazy. I do pick up as much as possible. I need to buy more scrubs. I seriously have like 3 pairs and they get dirty so easily. Hospitals are gross. lol
I feel like my life is on hold. All the things I want to happen just aren’t happening. I want a house, a ring, a puppy and a baby. That’s what I wrote New Years Eve. I can’t get a house because we have no idea where Jeff is going to be working after he graduates. I can’t get married because I don’t have a ring. I don’t have a ring because Jeff hasn’t got one. I can’t have a puppy because Jeff doesn’t want one in the apartment. I can’t have a baby because Jeff doesn’t want one. Pretty much everything I want right now Jeff doesn’t. I understand why. We live in an apartment that is really too small for a baby, or puppy. He wants to buy me a nice ring, so I have to wait a bit longer, He wants a house, but doesn’t want one yet because if we move selling that is going to suck hard core. I get it, I understand it, I just don’t like it. He thinks I’m impatient, I think he’s really waiting too long. If I have a kid at 30 I will be 48 when they turn 18. And 52 by the time they can be kicked out of my house. That’s just the oldest. I want atleast 2, and up to 4. Never going to get to explore the world. Can’t now because Jeff never gets the time off, and I don’t want to go alone. So I can look forward to not going anywhere till I’m 50+. Awesome
I’m kinda in a funk. I need something. I just don’t know what. Maybe sunshine will be helpful. Today was actually kinda nice. Windy, but nice. Hopefully tomorrow is nice too. Not that it will matter since I work tomorrow and Wednesday. :-/
I just need a vacation
So yesterday didn’t go as planned. Jeff was doing great. The unhooked his iv so be could be discharged and about an hour after he spiked a fever if 102.9. Joy. He was officially admitted. Ad was supposed to go to another room. They held him over night which meant another sleepless night for me. He slept sort well.
They never moved him to another room. This was kinda nice because we had the same nurse today as yesterday. His temperature dropped(finally) and after waiting in the doctor for 5 hours we finally got the ok to go home! He is showering and excited to not be in a hospital bed.
So our plans if having/doing things this weekend kinda backfired. But he is better and that is awesome to me. 48 hours in a hospital is not fun!
After his shower we are going to my moms to watch the Super Bowl! I’m kinda pumped because he’s home and going better, he’s happy to be able to not walk around with out an IV pole! It’s good to be home, together and happy again! :-)
So today I had to call 911. Was probably the weirdest moment if my life. Now I sit in the observation unit at Oakwood Southshore Hospital. How did I get here? Oh it’s a story…
Jeff has been sick the past few days. Nothing bad, just a cough and low grade fever, nothing to worry about. With me working in the hospital and him working everywhere in Detroit, we weren’t worried. Today he got home around 430 pm shaking like he was freezing. He said he was ok just cold and couldn’t warm up. I put him under our heating blanket. He said he wanted to go to the clinic which is fine though I wanted to just go straight to the er. I called my mom(the ICU nurse) and we agreed to go to the er. He wanted to finish his homework, I was fine with that. I have seen him much worse and 20 minute if homework wasn’t life threatening. Then it got fun.
He had his computer on his chest while he plugged away on his physics homework. I was asleep or at least waking up(I worked the night before) when all of a sudden he started tensing up. His hands looked liked crab claws, he was yelling his calves were tensing up. I immediately tried to get things off him. If you have ever seen the picture description of what tetanus looks like, it was like that. He had his arms out like Jesus on the cross. I can’t move him at this point and then his speech got slurred. Like someone was holding his tongue. I call 911. I was fairly calm telling them where I lived and what was going on. He’s still in the bed unable to move.
The Emts get there and start assessing. Jeff’s hands were locked like crab claws and his was stiff and unable to bend his arms or legs. Paramedics had to carry him out of the bedroom to the stretcher in our living room. They started an iv in the truck and Jeff was pretty good about it. This whole time he is in good spirits. Laughing and joking with EMS. I rode with him in the ambulance and arrived at the hospital at about 5.
They got him comfortable while I met with Jeff’s dad and step mom Penny. After the fluids his hands were not so tense but when the blood pressure cuff went off his hands tightened again. It was weird. They took blood and found that his electrolyte levels were off. So he was told he was getting admitted. Joy. He hit some meds( nothing fun FYI) and now he is sleeping while I watch him in the observation unit.
He’s been a trooper. His heart lungs and everything else is fine. Hopefully follow up labs will let us know more in the am.
How am I? Exhausted, haven’t eaten, ready for sleep. Jeff? He’s been poked a bunch of times and for home being afraid of needles it’s not picnic but he’s alright. Still joking around and laughing.
So it’s been fun. The good thing is everyone has been nice. The bad thing is non one knows why this happened or what t is. The er Doc thinks his calcium and phosphorus caused it. Makes sense but he’s worried about the slurred speech. Sao we wait for news. It’s also helpful that is work midnights so I can be up all night while he sleeps and answer questions. Can’t wait to see the doctor and maybe get some answers.
So that’s about it. He’s asleep in a bed hooked up to fluids and a cardiac monitor, and I’m stuck in a chair. Lol. I’m just happy he’s not locked up anymore. That was weird.
I was worried they wouldn’t let me stay with him in the er it stay the night since I’m not a relative. So far they had been awesome with letting me stay the whole time. I don’t think I could leave him anyways.
Well I should get back to surfing the Internet and waiting for the morning lab people and the doctors to show up. Only 3-4 more hours till that happens. Then we are going to sleep all Saturday. That is if he gets discharged which I really hope happens! Happy thoughts appreciated!
Happy New Year! I don’t have a resolution per say, but u have some things I want to accomplish. Hopefully I get them done. I have weddings this year like crazy to do. Bridesmaid in 2 guest to the rest. I just want a vacation this year.
I’m going to try and blog more. Gunna do a page a day in a scrapbook for Jeff and I. Way easier than making one after the fact.
We got interwebs today! So nice. Now I can finally Xbox, post pictures without my battery dying, and stream video and Netflix! Yep. That’s made my day today.
Well I doing errands and watching Jeff get his hair cut because tomorrow he starts his new career. So proud! :-) Though ill never see him once school started. Blah. Gunna miss his face.
I hope everyone got home safe last night! I’m going to go find food now :-)