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October 5th

LAST CHEMO!!!! So happy! I made it 7 weeks! Now tomorrow is th real fun. Internal radiation. Yeah…I get to have things stuffed in my cervix for 4 hours…so much fun. I get to be cathed(tube in bladder) and have to lay on my back for 4 hours without moving. Oh the joys. I get to do 5 of these. At least I get drugs I guess. 

Made a sign too. Crazy to think it’s been 7 weeks of treatment. Wow. In that time I’ve done so much. Only lost 7 lbs and kept all my hair. I also lost my baby. At this point I’ve decided I can’t make it through everything and anything. 

I want to go back to school, I want to buy a house, travel the world, adopt/have babies, get married, go to a Wings playoff game, sleep at the zoo, get a puppy, eat everything, go to a Lions game, climb a mountain, see a real mountain with snow on it, see the northern lights, tag an owl, start canning food, do a cancer walk, do a 5k, have a garden, plant sunflowers, get Bit a friend, graduate, and live. 

Part of a bucket list. Let’s see how much I can do :-)

October 3rd

Was doing ok today. Then this was posted by someone in Facebook 

Now I’m sad. I’ll never see my baby lie this. I won’t get a cute nose to kiss. Little fingers and toes to stare at wonder how I made that. I don’t get to wake up in the middle of the night and just watch him sleep. Watch him dream. Watch him. I was robbed of that. It makes me so angry, and sad and frustrated. It’s not fair. 

Today is the first day since my baby left me that I cried. I miss him. My belly is so small. I just feel empty. I put in a good face. Most days and times I’m ok. I do well. Just the smallest thing throws me over the edge. Like a picture on Facebook. 

I hate to be down. I feel gross. I know it’s how I feel and it’s ok with all I’ve been through but I still feel weak. Like I should be stronger. I know that doesn’t make any sense. I think it’s because I no longer have him. Maybe when I get the cremains I’ll feel better. More complete. 

Everyone thinks I’m so strong and brave. I still don’t feel that way. I feel no more special than I did before being diagnosed. I’m not special or brave. I’m just not. 

I just want to feel better. I want to go back in time in hold my belly one more time. I just want my son back. 

October 2nd

Been a long week! 2aurgeries, 2ubita of blood, and an MRI! Sheesh! 

Monday was chemo. That went well. Only one more to go! Then I was NPO after midnight. My dad took me to the hospital. Was going to have surgery number one then stay the night. They were worried I would have some bleeding. My doc actually put me under and saw I was already dilated. My body was taking care of itself so I was only under for about 20 minutes and then she was done. Didn’t even do anything. I was sent home. 

They were worried my cervix wouldn’t dilate normally to pass the baby. Sore rely my cervix wasn’t hearing that and was acting normally. So once again was no food or drink after midnight. I ate Wendy’s with Beth, Jared, and my dad before coming home an passing out. 

I slept well. So well I kicked Jeff out of bed so it was just the cat and I. We woke up went to the hospital and waited for surgery number two. My doc is a gynocologist so she has never done this before. She had another doctor assist and he was very nice. I had to release the remains to the funeral home. Both Jeff and I had to sign. I wasn’t upset during any of this. I think I came to peace with it. 

I was taken back out under then woke up in recovery. I was sore but not awful. Was given some drugs that didn’t work and payed under a mountain of blankets untill Jeff came back. Drank some juice and was how nice and anti nausea drug that made me very sleepy. We found out the sec of the baby. Boy. Jeff always wins lol. 

Physically I’m a little sore but emotionally I’m ok. Which shocks me. I’m sad of course but not to the point of not getting out of bed. I’m actually calm and collect. I really think I’ve come to peace with it. My baby saved my life, not many people can say that. 

I get to go sign paperwork at the funeral home today. I’m sure I’ll get sad there but my mom is going with me. Jeff has to sign too but were going to do that over the weekend. 

We have such a busy weekend! My cousin has a walk for chrons so I wanna go to that. They made the shirts teal in my honor. They didn’t have to do that. 

So I thought is update everyone. I’m actually ok so far. I was lucky. I got to feel baby kicks, got a little fat, and he helped me through chemo. He made me eat. He made me hungry. He kept me going even though is never meet him. I owe him everything. I will love him as long as I live and I’ll miss him too. He would have been one spoiled baby that’s for sure!


September 26th

It’s been a hard couple of days. Had an ultrasound Thursday and was told my baby had passed. It’s a mixed feeling. Im glad in some ways but now I get to have surgery to have it removed from me. 

The baby was bigger than expected. So I have to be dilated on Tuesday and stay the night. The procedure will be Wednesday. At least my baby and I will have birthdays in September. Daddy mommy and baby. All September babies. 

It’s been really hard knowing that it’s passed. I knew in my heart that it had but to have confirmation hurt. I didn’t see anything. My mom did though. Said it had ribs and a big head. Didn’t dind out gender. I was too afraid. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. 

I’m terrified. This is the end. No longer pregnant. To never be pregnant again. I’ll never feel life in me again. Those tiny kicks are all I get. I’m greatful I got that. As much as it hurts now I’m happy I got to feel it. Made me feel like a mom. And actual mom. 

It’s just hard seeing babies. Almost cried at Steak and Shake because there was a happy cute tiny baby. I made it though. It’s hard not to get choked up. I won’t lie I’ve been crying pretty much everyday. It hurts. I hurt. 

I’m lucky to have such supportive family and friends. I’ve gotten more gift, cards, and food than I can count. It makes me feel loved. Thank you. More than you know. I might not thank you and I apologize for that. Most days I just sleep. Right now all I want to do is sleep. Hurts less. 

This week will be the scariest week I’ve ever gone through. I’m terrified. I’m putting on a brave face I really am but this procedure scares me. I won’t be a mom any more. 

Went to an apple orchard today. It helped but I did see babies. Didn’t cry. Did well. Now Jeff and I are going to make applesauce! Kinda pumped! Never done it before! Also Sunday I have a wedding thing to go to. Should be fun with food and free cake! Woot

I’m going to make it. I know that. It just isn’t going to be easy. I’m going to cry a lot. And I’m going to hurt. But I’ll be ok someday. Someday I will. Probably not until I get a cancer free diagnosis or get to hold a baby that is mine, but I’ll be ok. Someday  


September 22nd

Today was a good day! I have so few of those it’s good to say! I had my appointment and the gynocologist oncologist said she saw significant improvement concerning my tumor!!! Said the cervix now only has a small portion of disease in the surface. I could have cried!

Best news I e heard in days. I was so nervous it wasn’t working! Huge weight off my shoulders! I do still have to do an ultrasound. Nervous about that. She wants to be sure she can get the fetus out through my cervix. I’m scared. I know I shouldn’t be but I am. 

I’m going to miss my baby. Scary to think I’m now counting down the days in my pregnancy. I thought I’d e doing this in February and ready to meet my red faced amazing little mini me. I wish I was. Instead now I’m counting down the last days I’ll have a human being inside me. In counting down days till cremation. Till I mourn. Until I’m no longer pregnant. 

I feel like a piece of my womanhood is being taken from me. It sucks. 

We start internal radiation one October 6th. I have 5 treatments. It’ll take about two weeks. I did have some bleeding during my exam today so I’m nervous about that as well. I’m just overall a bundle of nerves right now. 

So good news today, but sad as well. Just hoping to be cancer free! I’m happy with significant improvement, but I want cancer free!  


September 21st

So week 5 has begun. Tomorrow is my doctors appointment with my gynecologist oncologist. We will be a physical exam to look at the tumor and see what progress we have made. Also will be checking on the baby. 

Kinda emotional about that. I think it passed around week 17 of gestation. That’s when I stopped feeling movement. I’m greatful I got a few days to feel like a normal pregnant person. To feel a tiny amount of joy. Though it was short lived as I had to go in for my treatments. I’m greatful for this baby saving my life. 

I kinda what pictures of the baby tomorrow. I feel like that is weird. It’s the last time I’ll see it. I want that stereotypical side shot of a tiny little human. I just don’t know what it will look like. Debating on if I want to know if it’s a boy or girl. I do have bet to settle lol. 

It’s gunna be hard. Seeing it on the screen lifeless. Knowing I did that. I know I didn’t have much of a choice but still I concented to treatment. As much as I know I made the right choice I battle with it. Sometimes it hard to dream. Especially about babies. Seeing perfect babies in public is hard too. 

I’m slowly getting better but sometimes it sneaks up on me. I cried over a panda giving birth in a TV show. Yeah go me. All I could think of was “a panda gets a baby but I don’t?”. It was hard. All over a panda. 

Most days I’m good. Happy for brief second even. Part of me still thinks will will I ever truly be happy again? When I found out I was pregnant I was so happy. Every day was awesome because I was so much closer to meeting him/her. Then the diagnosis crushed me. Now I just live day to day trying to focus on good. Some days it’s ok. Others not so good. 

I emotionally had a rough weekend. What’s weird is nothing brought it on. I just got down. Maybe it was all the rain? I don’t know. It just hurt. 

So tomorrow I get to see my baby one last time. No idea when surgery will be. Could be as soon as this week. All depends on my doc. We find everything out tomorrow. I just hope emotionally I make it. 

Oh done with chemo #5! 


September 19th

Met with my radiation oncologist doc yesterday. We meet every Friday to discuss what’s going on and how I’m doing. I maintained my weight! Last week I gained a pound so this is good. We talked about the internal radiation. Still super nervous about it. We did say we might do an ultrasound in Tuesday to check in the fetus. I meet with my gynecologist oncologist Tuesday.

Nervous. I’m sure my baby has already passed but confirmation will be hard. It’s the last time I’ll see my baby. It’s gunna be hard. I wish I would have recorded the heartbeat when I had the chance. Now I’ll never hear it again. 

I am hoping for good news on the tumor. I hope it’s smaller. I hope it is. I need it to be. I menatally need this to be working. I’m so worried that I feel pretty decent most days that it’s not working. I should be sicker or something. Dumb I know but how I feel. 

So it’s Saturday. I just lay in bed and watch college football. Currently watching MSU vs. Air Force. The OSU! Woot! It’s not terribly exciting but it’s something to watch that is new and not a rerun. 

Well everyone have a good weekend. I will be taking it easy. Been super tired the past few days. Would t be surprised if I get blood ordered for me this week. Blah

September 17th

i don’t feel pregnant anymore. The pas week or so my belly is smaller. It’s weird because my weight is the same. I hope it means the tumor is shrinking. Still strange. My little baby bump is disappearing. Soon it won’t be here at all. 

I have a recheck on the 22nd and then I’m sure we’ll be moving forward to phase two. That will be the DNC and placement of the sheath for the internal radiation. Then that fun begins. And what fun it is you don’t even know. 

I’m having my babies remains cremated. I don’t know what else to do. This baby saved my life. I owe it to him/her. I wish I could have held it and watched it grow. The sting of that will never go away. I don’t think I’ll have a wake or anything. I’ll grieve with Jeff and my family and friends. It’ll be a sad day. 

All I can think about lately is “will this be the last time I do this?”. It’s morbid I know but it’s the truth. I want to defeat cancer and live a very long life, but I’m scared I won’t get that lucky. 

I’m focus in my cruise in February. It keeps me sane and positive. I am so excited. I think for Christmas all I want are Norwegian Cruise Line gift cards. So I can eat and do excursions! I’m so excited to go to new places with Jeff. I love exploring with him in new cities. I can’t wait to see Jamaica! I hear it’s so beautiful! I’m excited to be in the tropics with sun, sand, and music. I love the culture down there. So laid back and carefree. 

Just gotta make it. Have to finish chemo and radiation. Then get my PET scan in jan-feb and hope for the best results. Cancer free. I’m so anxious just thinking about it. It’s so much pressure. Then I can finally begin to live my life again. All I want it to live my life again. Just gotta make it to February…

September 15th

So my blog is too sad. I’ve been reading my past entries, and while it’s how I feel I need some joy in my life. So here we go!

I live this man. He is my everything. My rock when I can’t go any farther. Always telling me I can do it. It’ll be ok. I’ll get another baby. He won’t give up on me. He loves me. He makes me food. He cuddles me when I don’t feel good. He makes me laugh after nightmares. He squeezes my hand tighter when babies are around. I’d be lost without him I really would. He think so do this alone. He’s wrong. I lay next to him every night thankful he’s here. He could have let. I wouldn’t have blamed him but he stayed. I love him and cannot wait to marry him in a year!


This cat. My snuggle buddy. The one who wakes me up at 5am. Who gets under the bathroom cabinet and wakes me up. Who meows for no reason and lays on my chest while I’m sleeping. I love this cat. She snuggles with me even when I smell funny. Without her I’d would really feel alone in my apartment.  She’s silly and makes me laugh and is always finding a way to annoy me. She’s terrified of leaf blowers as the sirens during a thunder storm. She also talks to birds. She’s my little buddy. And Jeff let me have her! 

My mom. Seriously wheat would I do without my mom? She’s made me pick line covers. Supported my decisions, and her iced the loss of this baby. She’s made me awesome sweat shirts and say with me through chemo and radiation. Drove me to appointments and kept my mind busy. She’s pretty awesome. 

My family in general is pretty awesome. I’m lucky. They supported me in the hardest decision I had to make. I am loved. 

My friends. The few close ones I have and the few who have given my gifts and sent me cards or messages. I thank you. In tough days I can find a gift and smile at least for a second. That helps me get through the tough days. 

To all he people I haven’t met who have sent me things or helped me in a small way. Thank you. I am blown away by the generosity of others. 

What I have to look forward to. A vacation in February. Dress shopping. I need all the distractions I can get I February. That’s when my baby would have been born. Also owl banding in April! So pumped! It’s going to be so cool! 

Just have to defeat cancer first. Then I can get all these cool things. I can start living again. I can shower and food will taste the same again. It tastes weird now. I won’t be sore everywhere. I won’t have so many drugs to take. Get through chemo and radiation. Wait until January for the biggest test of my life. The PET scan that will tell me good or bad news. I get so anxious about it. It’s scary. Just gotta think palm trees. So close to palm trees. 

Going in a cruise for my vacation. It’ll go to Key West, for pie, grand cayman, for scuba, Jamaica, for beauty, and Bahamas, to relax. Then back to port canaveral to see the Kennedy space center again! Maybe Disney? Who knows. I want to do so much. It’s what keeps me going! 

So a happy update! Love all of you. It’s going to be a dark road but I’m trudging through it. Can’t see the light yet but it has to be coming. It isn’t has to be….

September 14th

So chemo #4 done. My oncologist added a treatment so now I have 7 instead of 6. I’m more than half way done though! 

I had radiation in a different room today. My machine was down so they put me in another. Took about a hour to load my program into the computer. After chemo I was exhausted. I still am. But I did eat and take my meds. 

The sore part is coming. When it starts to get dark my bones will start to hurt. My muscles get right. Everything will hurt. I’m waiting then pain meds. And hopefully sleep. 

As I get closer to the suckiest part of this treatment, the loss of my baby, I’m getting more and more anxious. I’m trying to be strong. I really am. 

Today I chemo someone brought a 8 week old baby. It was very hard. I was doing good today too. Sometimes it’s good I’m inside most days. It only gets hard when a diaper commercial comes on, or I get on Facebook and see babies and baby bumps. It’s hard. Id lie to say I didn’t cry. My own baby bump is getting smaller and smaller. Haven’t felt any movement in a week. My baby’s gone, just still in me. My womb is a tomb. 

That echoes in my brain at nigh. Wombs a tomb. How can I be a mom after this? I feel awful and not from my treatment. I just want the DNC. At least then I won’t feel like a liar. 

Oh how I wish I didn’t have this stupid cancer. If have pictures of a happy little munchkin. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted in this life. I had never been more happy, even with the puking! I’d rather be nauseous for years than this. I hate it. I hate myself most days. I touch my belly and just feel death.

Before I can get any babies I gotta defeat cancer by he hardest thing I’ve ever done. Battle and enemy that is taking so much of me.  Terrified. I should be getting a recheck on my tumor soon. I hope I’m making progress. 

I try so hard to stay positive and be strong. It’s very hard. It’s hard to stay positive when all you see is the inside of an apartment. I can’t go anywhere. My white count is low and I’m susceptible to infection. Not too terribly low, I can still get chemo but people are off limits. Sorry people but you can be gross and get me sick. Lol


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