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November 25th

87 days until my cruise. I cannot wait!


This is my map! I looked at excursions today. Cannot wait to ride my camel. Also cannot wait to hear roosters in Key West! It is the best thing ever! This 7 day cruise is going to be awesome!

I love being on the boat. I will be on a new boat! The NCL Spirit! Finally! I love the sound of the ocean from my balcony. I am super pumped to have sun and sand! Do not get me started on all the food! I want to do some spa services too. This will all depend on how much money I get for Christmas. I asking for gift cards and money for this sucker! (Well for a baby aswell)Just looking at the site got me all pumped again. 87 days. Just need to make it 87 days!

Norwegian should just make me their spokes person. I love them so much! I could totally do it! I wish i could be a cruise consultant and answer the phone booking peoples vacations. i could do that! Too bad they only have it from New York. Boo. I think I would make the best cruise consultant ever! I always talk up NCL to everyone I know! Seriously check them out! I promise you will have a great time!

Now to figure out my honeymoon. I have no idea where to go. We are doing a cruise. Jeff wants a big ship and I am totally for that. Just want to go to a new place. Really that is my only requirement. Hawaii has been tossed around but it is not on a big new ship. The big ships seem to do the Bahamas but I feel like I have been there so many times there isn’t anything really new to do. I have honestly been to Nassau 4 times! Other than having a conch burger again I have no real need to go(seriously the conch burger was delicious!).

I just want to go to new places. Really that is what I want in life. New places and new things. I always have loved new places, they make me feel like a little explorer! I love finding that hole in the wall places with ood food. That is my favorite. I think it is why I love food shows like “Food Paradise” and “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives”. I love watching all the food! Helps me figure out where I want to go next!

Wow a happy post for the first time in forever. Tomorrow is food. I love food. Trying to stay positive. Heres to hoping!

November 24

88 days until my cruise

10 months until my wedding

Trying to stay positive. Somedays it’s really hard. Been doing more research on babies. I guess really it’s crazy due to not even knowing if I;ll live past next year, but I have to do something. I helps me focus on a positive. I won’t be able to even look at baby possibilities until 2017. It’s depressing. I just want a baby to hold in my arms. One that is mine to take home and take care of.

Been doing research again. Seems with the ovarian transposition(moving my ovaries to my rib cage) it preserves ovarian function by 80-90%. That is awesome. But the Bracytherapy(internal radiation) the rates of successful pregnancy os %10. That is not so awesome. Both of these were small studies(20-30 people).

I should also get my monthly cycles back witin 12-24 months. I’ll need bloodwork to see if I’m in menopause. I dont’ feel any different. Still have hotflashes though, which is annoying. They also need to ultrasound my uterus to see if the bloodflow is adequet for pregnancy. I have a lot of testing ahead of me before I’ll evevn know. Then comes the fun part of the actual IVF treatment itseld.

It makes me more anxious and worried. Also makes me very impatient. I am trying so so hard to be patient. It’s not working. I feel so robbed. I would be in my third trimester this week. I miss my belly.

Here come the holidays burting in like the Kool-Aid man. It’s going to be rough. I dont’ think people truly understand how rough. I’m torn. I want to be around people but I don’t want to get upset or cry. It’s just frusterating. I hate feeling this way. I dont’ want to make people feel bad.

I plan on eating way too much food and dornwing my fears in gravy. Thats’ logical right? I do get two thanksgiving dinners. One at Jeffs grandmas and one at my Oma’s. I’m sure I will have plenty of leftovers to munch on all weekend!

I’ve been crocheting and I am making a big person blanket. It was hard to start back up. The baby blanket I made fro my son was in my bag. I cuddled it, I won’t lie. It’s werird because sometimes I do not feel like I was ever pregnant. Like it was a dream. Then I feel guilty that i forget sometimes. I am an emotional mess aren’t I? lol

Well I hope everyone has a safe and fat Thanksgiving. I will be hopfully not crying anywhere.



November 23rd

Stress. It’s been what I am for weeks. Not knowing if my cancer is gone or not stressed me out. I dream about it. Scratch that. I have nightmares about it. I keep having the same dream too. 

I wake up in a honors room. I’m exhausted. The lights are off and the glow from the IV pimp and other things dimly lighted the room. Jeff is holding my had on the bed. He’s asleep. My hand and arm is so skinny. My mom is there. She sees I’m awake and smiles. Then I wake up. 

Every time I close my eyes it’s the same dream. Sometimes it’s different people in the room. My grandma or Bumpa or others that have passed. Sometimes it’s other loving people. It’s freaking me out and stressing me more.

I’m having a hard time sleeping. I stay up all night thinking. My brain won’t shut off. Stick in and endless worrying loop. By the time the sun vines up I’m exhausted. 

Today was a migraine and puking. I’m only part time and I still can’t do it. Doesn’t help I hate my job. I dread going to work. I have to literally force myself. It’s frustrating and makes my life seem bleak. I need a new job but need insurance. Oh the joys of cancer and being and adult. 

Holidays are coming and for the first time in my life I don’t care. I just wanna sleep. Yes I know it depression. I’m trying. One day at a time. And I’m on meds. Part of this just cannot be medicated away. 

I hope everyone has a good holiday. I’m going to try. Here’s to wishing me luck. 

November 20th

So went back to work this week. Dropped to part time. So I now only work Monday through Wednesday. It’s kinda nice. 

Last weekend was so nice. Warm and opening for deer season. I say on the deck in the sun and crocheted. I relaxed and it was awesome. Even took a short walk in the woods dresses in all orange. It was nice. 

Other than that nothing exciting going on here. Just anxious about the holidays. It’s been hard. I used to love this time of year. The songs especially. Now I just feel sad. I hate it. 

Now I just want everything to be over as quickly as possible. It just makes me depressed. I had a completely different view of what I would be doing this time of year. I’d be hug with a baby swimming in me. Now I’m just skinny and feel like half a person. 

I want to we my family but also just wanna hide. I’m sure I’m the giant depressing point for everyone. I have nothing exciting to say. I’m just the broken one with cancer and lost a baby. Not really holiday cheer. Everyone is asking what I want for Christmas. I want a baby. And that makes me sad. 

I always get sad when blogging. I don’t know why. I think it’s because I try so hard to put on a good face that when I sit and type this out I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t think I’ll be truly ok for a long time. It’s frustrating. 

I just wish I could stop thinking some days. I’ll be doing so good then bam. All I can think about is my baby or cancer or how I’ll never have babies. Brings my whole mood down. It comes out of nowhere. It’s annoying. 

Then comes the jealousy. Everyone having babies and I couldn’t even keep one. It’s debilitating. Then I just get sad. Will I ever get to do a cute pregnancy announcement again? See and ultrasound with my babies? It just sucks. 

I feel like a giant ball of uncontrolled emotions. It’s crazy. I feel so much so often. But it seems like joy is hard to find. I’m trying to find things that bring me happiness. The things that used to don’t really anymore. I’m trying to find new things. Slowly I’m getting there. I think. Just wish it was faster. 

Just have to make it through the holidays. I’m sure I’ll cry a lot. I miss my baby.  


Friday the 13th

A few things I’ve noticed the past few months. No one knows how to talk to me anymore. They avoid me. I get it. My life is shambles. I’ve lost a baby. I have cancer. My life is utterly depressing. Being around me must bring you down. 

It frustrates me when people just ignore my baby. They pretend he didn’t exist. Like he didn’t matter. He did matter. He saved me. He was the most important baby to my family. I hate how he’s never brought up. I know people are trying to spare my feelings or are afraid of how I react I get that. 

I wish I hadn’t lost my baby. I wish my life was perfect with a baby bump and conversations about happy things. I do. But I can’t help what happened to me. 

I know I’m depressed and angry. I’m working through it but avoiding me or not talking to me sucks. It makes me feel even more alone than I already feel. 

I just get so frustrated when people tip toe around me. I’m broken this is true but I won’t turn into a crying mess if you ask me questions. I wish people would ask questions. Better than assuming. If I cry I cry. It’s ok. I’d rather cry in front of people I know live and care about me then to hold back. I notice. I really do. 

Not everyone is like this. Sorry for the rant it’s just driving me crazy. 

Last weekend before going back to work. I am not even remotely happy about this. I’m over the call center. It makes me bitter. I need a new job and yes I’m looking. 

Going out to my aunts to spend some time away. Going hunting and to eat food. That’s it. Going to be awesome. And I need awesome. 

Happiness of the day 99 days until my cruise. 

November 11th

Obsession. I stalk the Internet finding articles, journals, medical websites for informations about pregnancy. I crunch the numbers in cost, chance, and what will happen. 

My Brian constantly thinks about it. Babies. All I want is babies. I want to grow my babies in my belly. From what I can find my chances are limited and it crushes me. IVF chances of success are %30 for a healthy uterus. Mine isn’t healthy. I don’t even know the damage. It scares me. 

The thought of never feeling baby kicks in my belly is so depressing. I get so anxious thinking about if I’ll be able to have babies. It stresses me out. It also makes me mad when everyone gets the one thing I’ve dreamed of. It’s hard to not be jealous and angry. Mostly I just get sad. 

Then there is the waiting. I can’t even start any of these questions until I find out of I’m cancer free. Then wait a year. It kills me. I hate waiting. I’m not patient and when my happiness and health is involved in worse. 

I’ve been doing ok. It’s going to be hard going back to work. I’m hoping for a change. Won’t say much more than that. I don’t want to jinx it, but it’s a good move. 

Now I just wish I could get a house. I’m tired of this tiny space. It’s so depressing. Plus too many memories here. I go to the bathroom and remember when my pregnancy test came back positive. I have a little thing that has 8 weeks written on it. That dream has passed. My baby has passed. I just need new things. 

I really hope I can have babies. It’s going to be very expensive. I’m scared. I’m anxious and it stresses me out. I try to stay positive I really do but that fear of never holding a baby that is mine sneaks up. It’s crippling. 

I return to work Monday and I am not ready. I really hope I remember how to do my job. It’s been so long. I also don’t want to see my calander at work. I put weeks pregnant on it. It’s going to be bitter sweet. 

I miss my baby. I know it will never go away I’m just hoping it won’t kick me down every time I think about it. And I think about it all the time. It’s hard when there are constantly baby everything around me from Facebook to TV. 

Slowly getting better. One day at a time. Just keep swimming. One foot in front of the other. I just keep trying. It’s hard and I’m not sure if I’ll make it, but I’m trying. 

Happiness if the day. My cat snores


November 7th

Slowly getting better. I’m slowly getting my energy back. That’s been nice. It’s still got or miss most days but I’ve been feeling good. Haven’t thrown up in a couple of days. That feels fantastic. For a while I was puking once a day at least. It was like morning sickness all over again except there was no way I could be pregnant.

My mind is slowly healing too. I dream of the day I can try and have babies again. It’s going to be hard. IVF is expensive and lots of pokes. Just have to focus on the prize. Babies. I want to defeat cancer to get what was taken from me. Motherhood. 

Gotten more done with the wedding. I can’t wait. It’s going to be so much fun! I cannot wait to try on dresses and go cake tasting!

More done with the cruise too! So pumped for that I’m sure I annoy the people around me by talking about it all the time. It just keeps me happy. I cannot wait to spend a week in the sun and just eat all the time and forget. Going to be so nice! Cannot wait for the sea breeze and sunshine!

We are getting to that time of year where we start to think about Christmas gifts. No one can get me what I want this year. That’s ok. It’s illegal to steal babies. Lol. I think I’ll ask for gift cards for NCL. That way I can buy lots of sushi on the boat! 

While I’m not all there it’s slowly getting better. 

October 29th

Will I ever be happy again? I mean really. Will I? I lay in bed most days barely able to move. I cry myself quietly to sleep most nights holding my empty belly. I worry every minute about if my cancer is really gone. 

My happiest moment of my life was finding out I was pregnant. No I take that back. The happiest moment was hearing the heartbeat. That was amazing. And then getting to see him at 10 weeks. My tiny little gummy bear moving all his parts around like crazy. That was the best sound I’ve ever heard. So perfect and amazing that I made that. I miss him. 

Will I ever forgive myself? I’d be 24 weeks. I’d be planning a baby shower. I’m sure I would have gone zoo themed. I have a soft spot for zoos. Everyone would be so happy. Touching my belly. Congratulating Jeff and I. Blue everywhere. I feel so robbed. So lost. 

I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be me again. Hell I may not be here very much longer. I barely sleep and when I do it’s a cruel joke of me having babies. It hurts, physically hurts to see pictures of babies. 

I’ve been thinking of shutting down my Facebook. So many people with their baby bumps and babies. I can only cry. I don’t want to be angry or jealous but it’s hard. Why can’t I have a family? Why did I have to lose what’s most precious? Why me?

I wanna punch things. I want to punch walls until my hands bleed. Maybe then I’ll feel something. Right now all I feel is loss, anger, and hopelessness. Most days I put in a good face. I’m able to hide it well. Others I’m almost fragile. Like the smallest thing can set me over the edge. 

I just want the emptiness I feel to go away. I’m terrified to even think of the future. I don’t even know if I have one. All the dreams I had seem pointless now. 

I’ve been having some numbness in my hands. Side effect of the chemo.  It might go away. Only time will tell. So ontop of scars I get numbness in my fingers too. Go me. 

It’s exhausting trying to be happy. Some days it’s easier than others. When I’m with people I trust it’s easier. Public is hard. I seem to always get sat next to newborns at restaurants. Or get stuck behind a pregnant person in line at the grocery store. I have to fight back tears for no reason. 

I hate myself. I miss my old life full of hope and the promise of new life. When everything was going to be ok. When I was going to be a mom. I miss the old me. I see pictures and don’t recognize her. It’s like she’s a ghost of my past. I miss her. 

I try really hard to make my posts positive but it seems like I’m unable to do that lately. I’m apologize for that. I wish I could be happy. I wish nothing more than to be happy. Maybe some day I will. I really hope so. Bring me right now is no fun. It gets very tiresome forcing myself to not just lay around all day. 

Going outside takes all my will. Being in public takes even more. Being around family is easier but still difficult. I know they see my pain. I see the guilt and sadness in their eyes. It’s hard. 

I hope to have a happy entry soon. Halloween is this weekend and I love it. I’m hoping it’ll put a smile on my face. If only for a moment. 

October 26th

I don’t feel normal. Or at least like myself. I feel so disconnected and off. It’s hard enough I have to really try to be happy and be with people. Not that I don’t love everyone it’s just hard. Everyone has their kids or everything going good. I have. Well not too much.

My cod is still way off. My intestines are weird and not happy. I throw up most days at least once. I’m so skinny it’s disgusting. I hate it. 

All I can think about is missing my son. Even in happy times and Jeff try’s so hard to make me happy. I wish I could say he successed. He helps a lot. I’d be lost without him. I really would. 

I know it’ll take time to get back to normal. I just see my scars, look at my face in the mirror, and feel like it’s some weird nightmare. Then I remember. This is my life. 

If I avoid things, gatherings, people, know I still love you. I just can’t. My brain and emotional state are completely shot. I’m trying. I really am but I just can’t. 

I need to get pumpkins for Halloween. I love carving them. Hoping it’ll make me happy for a second. 

We put more money in our cruise. Figuring out a flight and how to get to Port Canaveral from Orlando. Looks like a $100 cab ride…yuck. We did our pre-registration today. Less than 120 days! 

Wow that means I’ll be trying on wedding dresses soon. Wow. Crazy. Still need to figure out a honeymoon. And pay for my wedding. Crazy. Less than a year. Wow. 

Jeff and I did go see a movie. Saw the Martian. It was awesome. I love moments when I forget what’s going on. Been watching a lot of Netflix to help distract my mind. It’s been helping a little. Gives me something to focus on. 

October 21st

122 days until my cruise. I cannot wait, less then that until I go shopping for my wedding dress, and it would have been about the same until my son would have been born. It’s getting better every day. Still hurts but I’m focusing on someday getting babies. Maybe I won’t get to hold my first, but I sure as hell will hold my second. 

122 days. The cruise helps me stay happy. I even started packing a little. Yes I’m crazy. Mostly it’s the things I can go without right now. Bathing suits, tank tops, shorts, and sun screen. But it was fun. I rubbed in my silly vacation music and was happy for a few seconds and not thinking.

Also looking at Disney for the day before my cruise. I’ve never been. Yes it’s sad I know. I can’t wait to buy a hat with mouse ears! Going to rent a car and discover, I can’t wait. I feel so happy and free when on vacation. 

Been looking at wedding dresses. Still not sure which one I want. It’s kinda hard. I’m very picky about my clothing. A dress that is to make me feel beautiful and amazing is going to be hard to find, but I’ll find it. 

And my son. My beautiful son. I miss him everyday. It’s hard. It’s going to be hard. I still cry over diaper commercials. I see babies and I get ready eyed. I miss being a mom. 

I’m done with treatment but now I just have to wait and see if it worked. It is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done. Waiting. I have to wait until January to find out if it worked. That freaks me out. I love my life even if it does suck right now. 

122 days. I’ll know if I’ve defeated cancer and I’ll get to live and dream for a few more days. 


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