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Heart ache

How does one be happy after losing their only child? I hurt everyday. I just get better at hiding it. 

Baby photos and pregnancy announcements still feel like a slap in the face. I know people don’t want to hurt me. I know it’s not intentional. Every one is a slow turn of the knife in my gut. It’s like the universe yelling “look what you can’t do!”.

Then there are all the horrible things that happen in the news. People rolling over in their babies in their sleep, fathers murdering their 2 year olds because they are jealous. They all get babies. They all get to be parents. 

How is that fair? I’m a so tired of people that can just pop out babies without even trying. Then abuse them, kill them, neglect them, and  here I sit unable to bare my own. Left with an empty space in my heart where my son should be. I have to wait. I have to beg and someone has to like me to give me a child. To give me motherhood I have to hope some stranger thinks I’m fit. I don’t get to just make my own. I don’t get to claim it like everyone else by getting knocked up. No. I’ll have to beg. 

Like everything else in my life it won’t be easy. Nothing in my life has been easy. From being hit and verbally abused. Cheated on. Then cancer and making an impossible choice. No one will ever look at me the same. Pity in their eyes, even for just a moment. A few are able to still see me. For them I am great full beyond words. 

I know people keep telling me “it’ll get easier”. It doesn’t. The lose of a child is so great that a word doesn’t exist that describes it. So painful. I know they are trying to help. I know they mean well it just hurts. I just smile and hope that maybe someday they are right. Maybe someday it won’t hurt as much. It’s been a year and I still miss him. I miss the kicks. I miss the excitement. 

As my wedding day gets closer it’s just another moment he can’t be with me to witness. It’s the hardest part. He should be here with us. He should watch his mother and father get married. He should get a sibling. Should have a Christmas, thanksgiving, Easter, and all other holidays. I just miss him. 

I lost my chance to be a mom. My CT scan on Monday will show if I get to live a little longer. With any luck I will. I can’t help but think one day my luck will run out. 

Sorry for a sappy update. I’m stressed and packing. I miss having Jeff with me. I miss so much in this life. I just hope one day I’m able to get to be a mom. 

One week

One week until the big day! Can’t believe it’s almost here! Everything is almost done. Just need to wait on my ring! Ahh crazy!

I’ve gotten new glasses and sunglasses, got my dress, shoes, have his ring, photographer, hall, food, final count, photo booth, DJ, officiate, center pieces, friends, family, card box, cake, backdrop, stuff for our arch, chair covers, bouquets, and I think that is everything. Now I just need to make it too Saturday! Craziness!

Flying back from Texas

ah here so go. Back to the land of seasons. Not that Texas doesn’t have seasons. They have hot and more hot! Lol

Flight has been good and now I’m chatting with Jeff as I watch the clouds pass by. I had. A good trip. Wish it was longer but now I have to go and pack up the animals and go back to work. Treatment this week too..cannot wait for that to be over. Now the fun begins. RSVP cards to go through, finally wedding stuff to get done, and then the big day. So close yet so far. Weird.

Also I cannot wait to have a compute that connects to the Internet. Jeffs  was having issues for some reason. Ah technology right? Lol

I’m over Indiana waiting to land. Home wil be nice. I have missed my cat and my bed. I trade that for days with Jeff and sleeping next to him. Ah the things we do huh? He seems to love his job and I get to chil here with my mom. I hopefully will be moved in by middle October. Then house hunting. Cannot wait to get a house. Then I can really start this adoption stuff. Need a house study first. That’ll be around 2,500 from what I can find. This will not be cheap but it will be worth it. To have a child of my own. That would be a dream come rue!

Well enjoy some photos!


Food reveiw(In-N-Out Buger

So while here in Texas I finally could get a burger from In-N-Out Burger! I got a #2 (cheese burger combo) no onions. The burger was amazing. I loved the fresh lettuce, bun, and meat. The bun even had a crispness to it from being toasted. The fries where a disappointment. They almost didn’t taste done. I do like my fries soggy, because I love fat, so that might be to blame. They were very, I guess the best word for it is, dry. 

So overall  6.5/10. The burger itself 8/10. 

Sorry it’s been so long. Life is crazy. Less than a month until the wedding. Everything is falling into place. Jeff moved to Texas. Deanna has her baby. Started working at the animal shelter. Life I guess. 

We applied for th wedding license. I will pick it up when I get home. I have so much to change after the wedding just thinking about it is exhausting. I have to pay for my cat tabs and get a new license. Change the passport, bank stuff, media cal insurance, car insurance, and then the social media. 

Emotionally been doing alright which has been nice. Maybe being so busy has helped. Currently in Texas with Jeff. He’s a work ik working on RSVPs for our wedding. Good times. 

Tonight I’m going to eat In-N-Out burger and I am so excited! I love food adventures! I love adventures in general. It’s also been nice to see Jeff for so long. He was in Indiana before this love to Texas. I miss him being around but not in my bed lol. I love sleeping alone. I’m weird. 😝

I have a CT scan to schedule. I have an eye exam to do and glasses to finally get. So pumped. Haven’t had new glasses in probably 10 years. Yeah. Crazy. Can’t wait! đŸ€“

Well not much to update. How about some pictures? Lol

Weekend laziness 

So I’ve been playing PokĂ©mon Go and it has been amazing. I have gotten out. I feel good and like I’m avompliahing something. It sounds dumb to have happiness from a game but I really has rougher me some. A small sliver.

I have a picture of my cake from my bridal shower and a box with Hugh in it. It was a good day and I got to see so many people I like!🙂 I have so much stuff o don’t know where to put it all!

Jeff leaves me to go back to Indiana. Boo. We should find out here on the next few days when he leaves for Texas for a year. Blah not ready for him to be that far away get. I’ll be ok.

I had my MUGA scan Friday. I went in for poked twice(one poke tagged my red blood cells the other was the radioactive due). Then I for hooked up to a hear monitor and laid there for 20 minutes. They were able to measure accurately what my ejection fraction is. That’s how much of the blood in my heart is going out into my body. I scored a 51%!! That’s normal and up from what my Echo said (41%). Normal people are between 50-75%, So I get to ask if I can start running again!

So here is to some good news. Finally

And that’s ok sometimes. 

It’s been a hard couple of weeks. With Facebook and Tinehop looking back to where I was last year is depressing. I was so happy. My life was amazing. I was going to school, I was engaged, and most of all I was going to have a baby. Now…well I’m going to get married. I’m very happy for that but right now it’s a hollow. 

I can’t put a baby on my registry. I haven’t even deleted the baby one I made a year ago. I just can’t. I don’t know why either. 

So many people are complaining about either being pregnant or having a kid. Please. Must be nice. Must be nice to have it to complain about. It’s so frustrating. 

It’s so hard to be strong and not be upset by everything. Pregnant people make me cry. Babies make me cry. It just sucks. All I have is a broken dream that maybe someday will come true. I probably will never hold a baby of my own. Ever. I just have that feeling that it isn’t ment to be. Which is more depressing. 

The hardest part is how disappointing it is for m parents. I couldn’t make them grandparents. All of their friends and family are. I couldn’t do it. That makes me feel even more like a failure. 

I know people try very hard to make me feel better. I appreciate that. But you honestly can’t. No one I know has lost a baby and had cancer at the same time. It just sucks and is so isolating. 

Positive notes. I have peach fuzz. I really hope I have some hair for my wedding. It’s one thing I really want. 

I have a wedding shower in three weeks. My hair is growing in. Jeff starts his new job in two weeks. I’m stressed from all this planning. 

Gah. I need to figure out my center pieces for the wedding.  Get our menu down. I just feel stressed and very happy it’s a three day weekend.

I am doing a maintenance dose of Avastin every three weeks. It shouldn’t be too bad. Just a 30-40 minute infusion. Nothing like chemotherapy and no real side effects. I just hope this goes smoothly. I’ll be doing this for a year. which sucks because I can’t go with Jeffrey to Texas when he goes down there. I’m staying here. So boo. 

His new job is in Texas and he will be coming home every two weeks but still sucks I can’t go with him on our adventure. We’re supposed to go together. It works out though since I can keep all my doctors and insurance. So as much as it sucks I’ll stay here. Boo

I used to be able to sleep all day. Now I barely sleep. My brain won’t shut up. I should be excited about my wedding but I’m really not. I’m just waiting to get a child. I’ll be the most excited person on earth when/if that happens. I try to be optimistic but I was also forcing myself to be like that when I had bleeding in my pregnancy. We all know how that worked out. 

I struggle every day to not be bitter. It’s hard. I don’t want to be but it’s either that or I’m completely depressed. It’s hard. Pregnant people are everywhere. So are babies. It’s like a slap in the face from the universe. Look what you couldn’t do. Go me. It makes you feel completely useless. I will not feel complete until I’m a mom. I just won’t. 

Blah and once again can’t sleep. Go me. 

It’s hard

Today I was in Spribt to get an upgrade when a young couple and thirst new baby came it. I felt my heart sink. It’s so hard seeing that. I’ll never get that. And then the girl helping us started talking about how she wants babies. Asking me if I did. It took everything in my to not burst into tears and run away. It just bit my lip(literally. It helps me focus on something else) and tried with all my soul to not look at them anymore. Then he started crying. Honestly. I just wanted to run. When we left all I just kept repeating in my head “don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry “. 

I hate it. 

Not much of an update I just needed to vent before I cried all night. 

Final tests!!

So tomorrow is my final cat scan. With any luck this is my last test for a while. I’ve discovered I have become so anxious these last few weeks. So much depends on a good scan it freaks me out. I try very hard to distract myself and keep busy. It’s very hard. 

I still have to have my MUGA scan. Basically a really detailed scan of the pumping of my heart. The chemo has weakened my heart. Hopefully it will be able to recover but there is a chance it won’t be able to. Ah the joys of trying to cure cancer. 

I just want to be done. I want this to be over. I’m ready to just not think about the last year. I think I’ve been traumatized enough for a life time. 

Any good vibes appreciated