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September 2nd


Today was a good day! I drove myself to my radiation treatment! Woo! I felt like a big girl! Also did errands and got lunch and a coffee. Starting to feel like a normal human. 

My white blood cell count should be dropping here in a few days so I’m trying to see and be out as much as is safe. Soon I’ll have to wear masks and be very careful who I’m in contact with. So if you are sick I request that you text me or call! Not that I don’t love you I just would not like to get sick!

It’s a nice hot day out! So happy. The sub is out and it’s humid like a nice summer day. I’m weird I like days like these. I’ll enjoy fall when it comes but I’m still not ready. I barely got a summer to enjoy, I’d like a few days! Maybe even some storms! That would be amazing! 

Ive been feeling pretty good emotionally too. Walked by baby stuff yesterday and didn’t cry. Huge step. Even stopped and looked at a few things. I do have a baby shower to try and make it too. I may not be able to but I’m going to try really hard. It’s for my cousin and it’s her first baby. I’m sure ours would have been adorable together, but fate had other ideas. So I have much to do and prepare for at the end of October! 

I’m not gunna lie I feel good and that scares me. Makes me think the treatment isn’t working. That something is off. It shouldn’t be like this should it? Makes me nervous. I’m happy I feel well I and just a worrier! 

Well not much else to report. Tomorrow is Thursday and I get to see my mommy. Saw my daddy yesterday and Beth too. Happy to have family close. Makes this nice. I can tell they just don’t know what to say. That’s ok.  Sometimes I done either. It’s a sucky situation I am well aware. Well everyone have a good day! 

August 31st


Wow last day of August! Crazy!! Chemo went well and fast rods and radiation was a breeze. I even ate a whole soft taco after! 💪🏻 taking my antinausea medication just to be safe. Usually Tuesday’s I’m not too hungry. Hopefully I can eat enough today. I even had energy. This is what happens when your blood work comes back good! 

Tomorrow is more radiation. Chemo is 1/3 done! Woohoo! I feel like a champ! 

They also originally scheduled chemo on my birthday but after I asked they moved it to Tuesday instead! So pumped! I’ll still get radiation but that’s easy. At least my birthday won’t be completely sad. 

Well that’s about it. Nothing interesting to report. Just another week of radiation at this point. Thank tou warriors! 

   

   

Sometimes it’s so hard…


It’s hard to get in Facebook. So many people posting pictures of those newborns, ultrasound pictures, perfect tiny babies growing up. All I can think is I should have that too. It should be me and how much I want that. And I cry. I cry so hard I hurt. It’s not fair. I hate it. I feel so robbed. So it’s hard. I’m so happy for those who have those moments though. A little envious but mostly just sad. 

It’s hard to go out. We always run into babies. In little carriers all perfect. Or walk by baby stuff randomly in a store. It just hits me like a ton of bricks. Like cold water being dumped on you. Takes my breath away. I was so close. I almost had one. I was so happy. 

Sorry for the sad note. It’s just getting harder and harder and the worst part approaches. I’m scared. I’m gearing up for chemo and radiation tomorrow. Mostly just eating as much as I can and drinking plenty of water/fluids. Yum. Lol

I hate sitting in tha chair. It’s so uncomfortable! And then it’s freezing! Not helpful! Have to pee every three seconds. Blah. Then I’m so tired, but can’t sleep due to all the beeping and people and it’s bright. I think that’s worse than the actual chemo. 

Wish I could have it done at home! In my bed! Would be so nice! Lol I could pee in a warm bathroom! I’m so tiny as it is I shiver so bad when I go! Mom is making me some cool hoodies with some zippers on the sleeves so I can wear them while getting my treatment. So happy! Maybe this time I won’t need a million warm blankets!

So tomorrow begins week number 2! I’m so ready for it to be week 6! Lol we get to recheck the tumor in two weeks and I am hoping for awesome news. At that point I’ll be half way! 

Thank you for listening. I know lots of times it’s sad, but to be honest the situation is sad. It sucks and I hate it. I try my best to move through it. I hope that someday I feel more whole that I do now. Someday 

August 29th


Today was a good day! Went out to lunch with a good friend, actually ate a fair amount or food! After that went shopping for the week. Got food to prepare for chemo this week.  Lots of easy and small foods. Rice, yogurt, fruit cups, juice, soup, and Gatorade. For got rice pudding though. Boo. Maybe I can pick that up tomorrow. Love that stuff!

I went shopping and stood the whole time, well untill the end. I had to sit as we stood in line. To tired. I may not be able to do this next week. After 10 days in the chemo drug my white blood cells start to go down. So if they drop too far I don’t get to see people. :-/ I have to stay inside. Boo

Tomorrow is fluid load day. Lots of fluids so that the chemo is flushed out and doesn’t shut down my kidneys. Also hoping I do not need anymore blood. While I’m greatful that I feel better it was not fun being that tired or exhausted. 

I really hope I can keep this up. I’m preparing really hard to make this be as easy as possible. It’s not going to be easy at all, but I can help myself. Then there is the stress. I’m a worrier and I stress like woah. It’s not fun. It sucks and I stress out because I’m stressed out. It’s exhausting.  

I keep getting gifts and presents. While I’m greatful it’s weird sometimes. I feel awkward accepting gifts from people. I just feel like they don’t need to do that. I know people love me. I don’t need stuff to show it. I am very greatful so if you sent a gift thank you! So many people have! In touched really!

Another odd thing. People keep offering me their uterus. It’s strange. Don’t get me wrong it’s wonderful people are so giving! I couldn’t imagine carrying a child and giving it away. Jeff and I are not sure I’ll be able to use any eggs of my own. The radiation may destroy they ability, so I’m not sure if we’ll do IVF. I’m hoping maybe we can. 

I’m hoping that someday I’ll get to hold a baby of my own. Even if we adopt and don’t do IVF. That moment will be the best day of my life. I’ll finally feel whole. Right now I feel kinda torn in half. Like a piece of me is missing and it hurts. All I wanted to do was be a mother to this baby. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant. Then it turned into a nightmare. I cannot wait for this nightmare to be over. 1/6th the way there. More scary stuff to come. I just hope I’m strong enough to handle it. :-/

   

August 28th


Medical bills. Sheesh! No ok fine lol. I have rocking insurance, and they’ve covered %95-90 of my costs. I had a bill for 11,000+ and was charged $150 just to give you an idea. I do have a pending bill of $33,000 for my last surgery. Scary too look at let me tell you! I’m sure it’ll be covered and if not my specialist will kick down doors. She’s pretty awesome. 

So no I’m good. I don’t need money, I can support me lol. I’m getting short term disability which means h get about %60 of a normal pay check. More tan enough to pay my bills! Don it take what I said as needing money it’s just shocking how much they charge for things. My PICC line was 500ish dollars. Crazy. My chemo and radiation are %100 covered. So there are some nice points to being employed by a health care system! 

Finally finished week one! Net with my radiologists team to discuss what’s coming next. Basically the miscarriage. I’m scared. I know it’ll hurt., both physically and emotionally. I just hope I’m ready. No idea when it’ll happen. They think the next two weeks for sure. I have to watch myself very carefully for fevers, pain and bleeding. I’m a nervous wreck over it. Smallest thing and I’m dreaming out! It’s very scary. 

One if the guys stitches came off my belly today! Only four more to go! Woot! Very exciting. It itches so bad! It’s hard not to scratch them off!

So week one down. I get the weekend to myself then back to work Monday with chemo and radiation. It’s like my work week just I’m trying to kick cancers ass 💪🏻 

Well the Lions just won so I should head to bed. Happy to have the weekend with Jeff and relax. Also to catch up with a friend! Hope everyone has a good weekend! 💕


It’s been a long road to here. Tomorrow marks the end of week one of treatment. Only 5-6 more to go, and two surgeries! Been exhausting this far but in 1/6th thought right?

Monday is more chemo then radiation. Oh joy. First day I have then back to back. I’m more worried than the first week! My mom is going with me. She used to run chemo herself as s nurse so that will be helpful to have. I’ve found I get super anxious before treatments. Need to bring that up with my doc. No idea why. Probably just scared, this is very scary. I try to put in s brave face but sometimes the fear bleeds through. 

One nice thing is my mom can draw my blood work. Super nice. I have weekly lab draws right before my chemo to make sure everything is working right and my numbers look good. I’m hoping for no blood this week! 

It’s strang how simple things are harder now. Even showering. I have to wrap my arm up in Saran Wrap and hope my dressing doesn’t get wet. It can get a little wet, just not drenched. I’ve been doing ok. I’ve been using my PICC line arm to hold the shower handle to keep dry. Exhausting but seems to work best. Good thing I’m not a smelly person and can get away with showering every other day!

Weather has been cool the past few days I’m torn between liking it and not. I love fall, but I’ll miss summer. I feel like I was kinda robbed this year if a happy summer. Plus I get to spend my birthday getting radiation… Fun 

I’ve been frustrated lately. Yes I’ve been driving and getting around but I still feel helpless. I can’t rice to my own appointments. Still hard. I’m hoping when I heal just a bit more maybe I can. I hope I can. While I know people love me and want to help I feel bad. I know they have lived and stuff to do. I feel like a burden. I’m sure these are all normal feelings but doesn’t make me feel less helpless. :-/ 

I’m sure I’ll accept it sooner or later but sometimes it’s just depressing the state in in. I still haven’t made an appointment with a therapist. I need to do that but they were supposed to call me and didn’t. I’ll call my specialist tomorrow and see if there is a number. I’d like it to be downriver so I can drive myself to at least one appointment! That would make me feel better!

Going to be a long road that I’m on. I do feel pretty good. My spirits for the most part are high. Only one thing brings me down. If a baby is born in the hospital a lullaby goes off. I have to fight back years every time. Because I won’t get that. Not yet. I have to wait and it kills me. So while everyone else is all brain a baby is born I sit there and hold my stomach and think, not for me. Sorry it’s sad. It’s just the hardest part if all of this and I needed to vent a little. 

   
 

August 26th


Today was a good day! I woke up hungry, and even ate! I slept a little then drive myself to my moms. She drove my to radiation but still! I ate spaghetti and then came home to eat a hot dog with Jeff! I feel much better since my infusion. Slowly starting to feel like myself. Then more chemo Monday…boo. Just going to do what I did this time. Lots of water and food and then sleep as much as possible after. Seems to work well. Also radiation Monday. Im a busy girl!

I’ve been getting gifts and presents and I’m overwhelmed. The our pure of love is amazing. Thank you guys so much! 

Carry on my warriors! 

 

The fish at radiation

  
    
 


Another long day yesterday. Had a follow up for my surgery, then blood transfusion fusion, then radiation. I was so tired after all of that. I just slept 12 hours! Spiked a small temperature. Took some ibuprofen and slept some more. Now I feel good. 

I’ve had very little appetite the past few days. I’m sure it’s the chemo. It sucks because I love food but I’m just look at it and I’m not hungry. I force myself to eat a little but still. This morning I was actually a little hungry. So I ate a pudding and some apple juice. Not huge I know but something. Maybe I’ll make a sandwich later if I’m up to it! 

Thank you everyone again for you support. It means more than you know. When I have a sucky day I look on facebook and see all my warriors. Makes me fight a little harder. 

Shot out to my maxing boy Jeffrey. He sat up with me during the fever fiasco and went to work this morning. I love him.

Oh I was able to take a picture of my mold for radiation and the machine!! Enjoy! Lol   
   

August 25th


Yesterday was a long day! Holy crap! Thank you to everyone on the text messages, PMs, wall posts, and support. It helped me have the confidence yesterday I was lacking to get through this! 💪🏻 Rock on Warriors! The yesterdays adventure started as this:

So I was up by 4:30am because a certain cat was all over me! And I mean all over! I kept waking up to her laying in my chest, which didn’t hurt but she’s not light either! Haha! I kept getting head butted, licked, and drooled on, which in cat language is “I love you”. Left the apartment around 6:30 and arrived for my practice radiation. I met the team, even got a direct phone number to the back, and ran through my practice setting. I’ll try and get a picture of the room tomorrow! Everyone was really nice!

Then after that at 8:00 am came the PICC line. I’ll be honest that was kinda scary. I arrived was taken cake and Jeff was given a card just like when I was in surgery. They did vitals, I talked with the nurse and then they allowed Jeff back. I was taken back to a small operating room. This nurse was funny as hell. The doctor was very dry. Didn’t even laugh at the noises I make when I was being numbed! I would have watch them insert, but I saw a giant needle and decided to etch the x-ray instead. The first try, it didn’t float where it should but on the second try we got it! This line goes from my arm all the way to just above my heart! Crazy I know! I was cleaned up and got a quick snack the off to chemo!

I had some blood drawn before hand which was nice because NO POKES! It was taken off the PICC line! So nice! Then was off to my chair! I was given fluids and some magnesium and antinausea meds first. Just made me pee.

The nurse then told me my hemoglobin was down. They did a redraw to confirm. That came back low too. So tomorrow I am getting a unit of blood! Crazy weird! I feel fine, no dizziness, lightheaded, or anything. I mean I was walking most of the weekend without any trouble, just soreness from the surgery wounds!

Then they hung the big drugs. The chemo itself. Didn’t feel any different and wa the same olive as everything else. Lame. Then when that was done it was more fluids, stuff to make me pee, and another magnesium! I felt like a water ballon and was peeling like a race horse. The peeing has its purpose though. You do not want the chemo medication stating very long. At least in the bloodstream. It’ll kill kidneys and I kinda like those! I have never peed so much in my life!

I’m went home drank some water took my antinausea medication and feel asleep until about right now. So it’s about 2am the cat thinks that because I’m awake it’s 5 am and she’ll get fed. Once again all over me, but this time I’m glad. I was worried I would smell different and she wouldn’t want to be near me. So I’m very happy. Just took one of two antinausea meds. Will take the other in a few hours and then starts tomorrow!

I was a very prepared patient. Between my mom, who ran chemo, and step mom, whoa late husband was in chemo and she’s also a nurse and does infusions, I was a very informed patient. I don’t think they told me anything I didn’t know when I was getting my chemo! That felt good. So thank you! It felt good to go into the first one and fell confident!

As of now I feel good. Not going tod say anymore don’t wanna jinx it! I could sleep so I thought I’d update. Today is a follow up for my surgery at 10:40, blood at 1:00 and radiation at 4:30. Another long day! 

Rock on my warriors! 💪🏻😎

 

My PICC line

 

The Chemo

  

Hugh helping!

1st chemo treatment down!

   

This is my favorite sback ever! and they have thrm at chemo!

 

August 23rd


Tomorrow is a big and long day! 7:30 am I have a practice session for my radiation. Won’t get any but they will make sure everything lines up and is good to go for tomorrow!8:00 am PICC line placement. This will help so no more pokes! 

10:00 am chemo treatment #1. Should take 5-6 hours. I get fluids, the some other drugs to prepare me, then chemo and more fluids.

Then finally home to sleep and see what happens to my body. 

Tuesday isn’t much better! 10:40 surgery follow up, and 1st true radiation treatment at 4:30. 

I had a great weekend! Went in a mini vacation and rise in golf carts, had butterflies land on me, did putt putt golf, rode a ferry, went to a cave, got a squished penny, ate ice cream, then had dinner with my dad and step mom. I ate good and relaxed all weekend with new things! I needed it! Tomorrow is a scary day. I’m literally kept myself up so that I could sleep tonight. Have to be up at 6am and won’t be home until at least 6pm. 

Then I get to sleep and see what chemo does to me. Terrified. Beyond scared. Jeff put it best “you’re scared for pain you haven’t even imagined yet”.  And he’s right. I’m terrified of what is to come. I have no idea how I will feel and that scares me. That terrifies me. 

So think of the next few days warriors. I’m going to need it. 💪🏻

  

  

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