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February 1st


YouTube video for those interested. It’s 10 minutes of me rambling. Enjoy! Lol

So it’s official 


The biopsy is back and it is as we suspected. Cancer. It’s not good. I won’t sugar coat it. I meet with my oncologist to discuss what is next either Monday or Tuesday. I ala start my new job Monday. It’s going to be a busy week. 

I will be having surgery to get my port as soon as possible then start chemo in two weeks. This will be different. I will have chemo every three weeks instead of once a week this time. Also getting three types of chemo instead of one. Oh the joys.

Been making a bucket list. I’m sure to some people that sounds morbid but I’ve never been one to run away from the truth.

I think the videos are going well. I feel like I can say more in them than I can type sometimes. 

So that’s what is going on. Good times. 

January 20th


Today was lung biopsy day. Oh joy. Once again I made a short video. Any questions feel free to ask. Will get results in 3-4 days. 

Video

1-19-2016


Going to try YouTube updates. Let me know if the links don’t work!

Click here 
It is set up that you can only get to the video through the link. You cannot find it by just searching my channel. So please be sure to click the link. 

The hardest thing


The hardest thing about everything I’ve been through is the not knowing. Not knowing what happens in 10 days. Will I be cancer free? If so for how long? 1 year? 3? 5? If I’m not cancer free how long do I have? 1 year? 3? 5? It’s a crazy thing to think about. Will I ever get to be pregnant again? Or is that over? Do I have any eggs? Did I do the right thing? Was any of this worth it?

The next, which might be harder, is everyone moving on. Everyone getting what I’ve lost. Babies. It’s really hard to not be jealous. I try so hard to just avoid them in a lot of ways. This helps me not get too emotional and cry for no reason. I don’t want them to feel guilty. I don’t want them to feel like they can’t tell me. Some already have said as much and it sucks. I really wish it was me. I wish I had cool awesome news.

I’ll never have a surprise pregnancy again. It will be very planned. And that is hard too. I can’t surprise anyone because it’ll be many many doctors appointments. Its kind hard to hide that. I was so pumped to break my news of my baby with a surprise. That is the best part. The look on their faces when they know. Now I just hope I can do that again.

So many people tell me “You’re still here and alive, that is something”. I don’t think they know how it sounds. All I hear is ” you’re here but your baby isn’t but it’s ok”. I try not to think that way. I am happy to be alive, it just makes me miss him sometimes. I wish I could explain it better. I know they mean it in a positive way, I really do. I just. I just want babies so bad.

Having to wait, again, just crushes me. Honestly crushes me. It is just a really shitty thing. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve had to watch my whole life and people get what I want. Be it college, engaged, houses, puppies, ect. and here I am again waiting. Waiting to find out if I get to live. I try so hard, so very hard, to be positive. I don’t think people know how hard I try.

Once I get out of my current job I’ll feel better. I just need some good news. I need a ray of sunshine. I ned something I can hold on to and look forward to. It’s just so hard to be like this. I am trying to do the right things. trying to be happy. For the most part I am. I do well, and I feel good. I’ve been running again and that is exhausting but feels good. (Well actually I am sore as hell, but you know what I mean!)

Slowly. I know it won’t be over night. It is just hard. Somedays I fell like it’s one step forward and two steps back.I can’t wait for the day I feel better. When it won’t hurt so much. It will always hurt, but maybe someday it just won’t hurt as bad. or maybe I’ll be able to just ignore it better.

I also do not want to hold on to false hope. I don’t want to hope I can have babies to be told I can’t. So part of me just expects that I won’t be able to. That way when I get told no, I’ll never carry another baby, it might not hurt that much. I know it won’t, but it some way I hope it does.

It’s so much stress not knowing. I just want to know. I felt te same way when I had to wait to find out if the cancer had spread or not. Same anxious horrible fear in the pit of my stomach. Eating me from the inside out. Unable to avoid it with anything. Not food or books or crocheting. Nothing. It just sits on me like a rock on my chest. I wish people could help. I see them try so hard to and it makes me feel worse that it doesn’t help. it just sucks. I just want to be happy and I can’t get it.

The few things that do help are new things. Driving to a new place. packing for my vacation. Looking at excursions for my cruise. Planning a honeymoon. Wedding stuff. Making new foods. Anything new helps. I don’t know why. I hate being alone or driving myself. I like to look around and talk with people. I like to be around people too. I try to do these things but it seems like sometimes it is too much and I get emotional. It is a fine line that I am learning to handle.

Happy New Year! 


Trying to stay happy as this year starts. I did a little packing and I get to spend 4 days with Jeff. That is awesome. 

We went to the Red Wings game last night. They lost 5-2 to the Penguins but it was still fun. I was in the Legends Club and got all the food I could eat! So basically heaven for me!  I’ve been to 3 games this year alone. That is crazy. Also went to a Tigers and Lions game. I am one lucky Detroit fan! After the game we came home to watch Michigan State. Was sad they lost, but I did keep myself awake for the ball drop. Then about five minutes after was asleep lol

I was ready for this year to be over in July. True statement. Now it’s over and I am in 2016. Crazy. I really hope it goes well. I can’t let myself get too happy until I know my test results. Once I know how my cancer is I can breathe. Until then it’s a giant waiting game for me. A horrible horrible waiting game. 

50 days until my cruise! I even packed a little and did some laundry. Packed a few dresses for our dinners. I’m going to dress up, eat as much as possible, and relax for the first time I over 7 months. The thought of sun and sand is so intoxicating right now. I can’t wait for the sound of the sea and sun on my face.

I hope everyone has a happy new year too! 


So I survived Christmas. I didn’t cry and I was proud of myself. It was still hard though. I received plenty of love. Also got money for my cruise and I am very grateful! I can’t wait to post pictures of my cruise!

Now on to New Years. We are going to a Red Wing game again. Finally this disaster of a year will be over. As much as I want 2016 to be amazing, and parts of it will be, it will still be semi-bitter sweet. It should have been the year my life changed and I brought my baby into this world. So it’s hard to think that 2016 will be great. It will be nice, but I will always have a hole in my heart.

So enough depressing stuff

52 days until my cruise. I have a packing list and my E-Docs have been sent to my email! I am almost ready! Just have to do laundry and pack everything in my suitcase. I am ready to pack and get ready for a week of fun and not thinking. new places, new memories, and new adventures!

I don’t know why I get so excited about packing. It really doesn’t make much sense. I guess it’s just a response and I know something positive is coming next. Plus that and I love new places. Even if it is just down the street, it is new and fun. I also love plane rides! I love being above the clouds! So much fun.

Plus I’ll be honest I do enjoy not being connected to the internet and the world. I get to cruise and be with that person. No distractions, no phone, no work. It is wonderful and you really get to know someone. I really enjoyed the cruise with my mom, and I love going with Jeff. Next to the food it may be my favorite part of cruising!

One of my favorite gifts this year was from my dad. It is a squished penny folder. I love collecting those silly things! I was pumped to put all my pennies in there. I have a lot but in the folder it doesn’t look like many! So I guess I will have to collect more! Oh, and they have the on the boat!

 

Depression


Depression. Along with my anxiety have been my two companions my entire life. Sometimes, like this year, they can be overwhelmingly heavy to carry. Some years I barely notice them. 

People get his misconception that you can just make yourself happy if you try hard enough. I strongly dislike people who think that way. I won’t say hate, because I don’t hate people. They believe it’s made up. A way to get attention. In some ways we want attention. Attention to what we feel. Sadness, emptiness, and the loss of interest in anything. I can no more make myself happy, than I can cure cancer. It just doesn’t work that way. No matter how hard I try or people motivate me to try. I am what I am. I feel what I feel. Nothing really can help me buy time. 

Some people lay in bed for days. The thought of getting up and dealing with people and life so terrifying it makes us get sick. We are so worried that people will notice how insecure we are. That we will not live up to expectation. That we are not good enough to be around. 

For me the loss I’ve had this year along with the unknown of what is next puts me in a very bad place. Thank goodness for FMLA or else I’d probably lose my job. The job I do contributes to my depression as well. It’s awful and sending me down an horrible spiral of emptiness. My job is thankless and makes me feel worthless. 

With people I feel pretty ok. Not amazing but good. They distract me from my life problems for a while. Then when I’m alone my brain sneaks up and begins to fill me with doubt and worthlessness. Deep down I know I’m not big I’ll think it anyways. It’s like slowly sinking in the ocean and watching people on the shore watch and ignore you. 

I’m trying to get better. For the people I love I wish I could just fall asleep and make this go away. I see how it hurts them and I don’t mean to test my limits. I just feel so lost and alone. Slowly being swallowed by this empty hole in me. 

I can’t wait to change jobs and get this year over with. 2015 started out so great. I got engaged and pregnant. Two things I have wanted my whole life. I turned 30 and went through radiation the same day. I’m still getting married but I’m not having a baby. I may not have any babies and that is a whole other kettle of fish and insecurity. 

I need some good things to happen I my life. I feel selfish wishing for that but I feel I deserve it. 66ndaua until my cruise. Been looking at honeymoons and getting pumped about that. I know I’ll get better. I just don’t know how long it will take. And that scares me. 

December 12th


I know people hate me. I’ve done horrible digusting things. Trust me, I hate me too. I wish happy people who get everything they dream of could live one day in my shoes. Feel the loss I carry. The fear I live with. The anxiety I feel for not knowing what tomorrow brings. 

It makes me so angry. I’ve had to unfollow so many people on Facebook. Seeing ultra sounds, baby bumps, maturnatity photos make me want to punch walls. I hate how I feel. How everything I do doesn’t help. Increase meds, talk to people, cry, I’m just stuck and sad.

I wish other people would just not make me feel bad for how I feel. A few weeks ago I didn’t want to do something, so I said that. That person instantly got mad at me for it. And it was family. They didn’t think that the whole week I’d been so depressed. They never ask how I’m doing.

 I didn’t want to go anywhere. I would have been 30 weeks that week. Had I not gone through with treatment, I would have seen my baby that week. I would have seen his tiny face, held his tiny hands, kissed his tiny feet. But no, I didn’t want to do something and I get anger back. That hurt. 

It’s slowly getting better but some days are hard. Some places are hard. Like today Jeff and I went out to eat. While walking up I remembered the last time I was there. It was after hearing our babies heartbeat for the first time. I was so happy. Suddenly I wasn’t very hungry. I ate, but did everything possible to distract me from that memory.

I finally took the ultra sound picture off the fridge last week. I put it with his ashes. I found paperwork I printed out after getting the blood results of my pregnancy while cleaning last weekend. It took everything I me to not cry. 

Everyone keeps asking me what I want for Christmas. I want a baby, nothing else. I’m not feeling the mood this year and I’m made to feel bad for that too. I’m sure if I don’t do something I’ll be made to feel like an awful person again. 

I don’t do things to hurt people I just am tired of feeling hurt. Tired of this void that nothing can touch. I know people try. I truly appreciate it. I wish it helped. I really do and I feel bad it doesn’t. I feel bad that no one can help me and that’s all they want to do. Help me cope and move forward. 

I wish I could just make another baby but I can’t. My anatomy now doesn’t allow it. I’m going to have to go through so much just to try. To try. That means I might not ever get to see a baby of my own. It makes me feel like I’m less human somehow. I’m not sure if that makes sense. 

I will be a liar the rest of my life. Everyone will ask me how am I and I will always say “good”. It’s a lie and they know it but don’t press the issue. I will never be “normal” again. A baby crying in a store makes my chest right. Seeing them makes my eyes water. That maternal need to want a chikd to hold is overwhelming sometimes. To have become so close to being a mom and lost it is unbearable.

I just keep trying to focus on the small amount of good in my life. My friends, family, Jeff, my animals. I don’t have much anymore. I have a cruise that I hope to take but won’t know until January. Then I get to know if I’m cancer free or get to do more chemo, radiation, and surgery.

I have a lot of unknowns in my life and it really doesn’t help that no one can help me. I wish you could. I wish I could chop off a peice of my grief and anxiety for someone else to carry for a while. I’m certainly tired of carrying it.

To the people who like my photos or comment or just do a little something to try and make me smile, thank you. It does help. It may not much, but every little bit helps. I wish I could be more grateful. I hope I don’t sound ungrateful, I don’t want to sound that way. 

It’s hard to have depression and see so many people try and help me. I don’t want to lie but sometimes I have to. No one wants to hear about my problems or are afraid to ask. I get it. No one wants to talk about depressing things. 

I get sad talking about my son but it feels good sometimes just to talk about him like a person. He was a person. A very real person to me. I like to think about what he would have looked like or been like. What his hair/eyes/face would be like. Would he look like me or Jeff? Would he have liked hockey? Been good at math? These stupid questions keep me up at night. I just miss him and I didn’t even get to see him. It’s a weird feeling to miss someone you’ve never met. So many people are just quick to forget him and pretend he never existed. Maybe they do that to spare me which I understand. I just like talking about him. 

Blah I should be Alaric but my mind won’t let me. So I lay awake listening to my cat and Jeff snore. Go me right? Lol I’m going to try and sleep. Wish me luck 

December 2nd


Craziness. Mostly I just cannot bellieve it is December already. This year has done nothing but fly by.

Saw my doc yesterday. She said everything looks good. She does see a cyst, but says that is typical and is not to be concerned about. We did repeat blood work and everything came back amazingly awesome. My hemoglobin was 12.7! highest it has been in almost a year! Also go my flu shot. Boo. The good news was much needed though. I had been feeling down the past few days.

My cruise. My wedding. All thesee things I have planned for the furture and I don’t even know what the future brings. Now it is true no one knows for sure, but I do not know if I’ll be around. Most people have a pretty good idea that they will live until next year. I am in limbo and it is the worst feeling ever.

Even this cruise is a giant gamble. After my PET scan in January I could be told that I have to do another round of treatment. I am hoping not, but it is possible. I am really hoping that this is a cancer free cruise, and not a say good bye to the world cruise. It’s a scary thought. No one wants to talk about it, but it is true.

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