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July 31st


Last day in July. Crazy! Well today I had my liver ultrasound done. I woke up with horrible nausea and was not able to eat or drink anything until after the test was preformed. So after puking twice I had Jeff drive me in. 

I had the ultra sound done. I swear they took a million photos! I wasn’t able to see the screen but Jeff said they ever did some in color! Weird! After that was done I could finally eat. Visited my mom before we drive home. And I puked on the way home in a parking lot. 

Jeff left for work and I was puking almost every 20-30 minutes. It was awful, but this is what happens if I don’t calm my stomach down right away in the morning. Blah. Around 12 I got confirmation that my liver came back clean! Just plain old cysts! I was so happy! It’s the first bit of good news I’ve had in a while! I finally slept and when I woke up was able to keep down a little bit of food. 

So far I’ve kept down water, juice, and a little bit of Taco Bell. I ate half a bacon club. So tasty. I needed flavor and I was hungry. I just took my time and ate about half. I figured it was the best option if I had to put it in the fridge, which I did. 

Tomorrow is going to be an adventure! I’m so excited! I get to pick up my best and head out! I cleaned my car and everything! It’s surprise so you’ll have to check back to find out! ;-)

Well I am going to go to bed. It’s been a long exhausting day!

July30th


Woke up to bleeding and horrible abdominal pain. Mostly just gas, no fun none the less. Took some Tylenol, left a message for my doctor, and hoping for the best. 

I thought I’d show you what my tumor looks like: 

  
To the left is my uterus(the bright white thing) I the right is the tumor of a cervix I now own. It’s 5x4x6 cm. It’s not tiny. 

I think I’m slowly coming to a decision. I’m going to think on it a few days to be sure. I’m making Jeff take me anywhere but here this weekend if I’m up to it. I appreciate those who have PMed me with either advise or just letting me know they are there. It means more than you know. Honestly. 

I’m hoping to feel better to go to my moms. It’s our Thursday tradition. Though if I’m still this tired I may have her pick me up lol. Tomorrow is my ultra sound of my liver. Not looking forward to the cold gel. 

Well I’m going to let this Tylenol work and try and drink fluids and nap. So far no nausea or vomiting(knock on wood) and the cat is keeping me company. Here’s to hoping I feel better in a few hours! Then I’ll shower and maybe start my day later this afternoon. 

July 29th


I’ll be honest. All yesterday I binge ate and cried. I cried all night last night. It was horrible. I just couldn’t stop. I just let it happen. I have never felt so lost and confused in my life. The MRI came back. So far as they can see it has not spread, but the MRI is not the best source for imagining especially since they could not use contrast. The pathology report came back as well. It’s not poorly differentiated, which would be bad, but it is not highly differentiated, which would be good. It’s moderately differentiated. Right in the middle. They also saw some cysts on my liver. Well they are 99% sure they are cysts. I have an ultrasound scheduled on Friday to see.

The main issue is to continue the pregnancy or to start treatment? This choice is all my own and it is killing me inside. I could try to carry to 30 week, and I have a 30% chance the cancer will spread. I would then be a stage 2 cancer and the 5 year survival rate is 50%. If I proceed with treatment and lose the pregnancy, the 5 year survival rate for stage 1 2B is 80-90%. If I have this baby I want to be able to raise it and watch it grow.  It just may not be possible though. My heart wants this so bad. My heart hurts thinking about it, but my head is screaming survive.

I have never been more depressed or upset in my life. I try talking about it but I just don’t know what to say. What is there to say? Should I save me or risk everything? I know for some people the answer is obvious, save the baby. I want to, I really do. But at the risk of my life? I know that sounds selfish, maybe even cruel. I hate myself for it. I hate that I have to choose.

Now there is a chance that I could start chemo at 15 weeks, and have a treatment every 3 weeks to hope that this shrinks and controls the tumors growth. I could think rainbows and butterflies. I dream every night of holding my baby. Seeing its face. I beg for its forgiveness. I’m just terrified it will spread, and then I’ll leave the most amazing man I know alone. I feel such an emptiness thinking about it. It takes my breath away. Like a punch to the gut.

I feel paralyzed. Like I can’t move. I went to work today. I was hoping to feel better, but all I get are pediatric calls. I fight the urge to cry. I wish I could just ignore those. I wish I could just not pick up, but I need this job now. I need the insurance. It makes me feel worse.

Sorry for all the depression. Yes I do talk to people and not I do not feel like hurting myself or others. I’m on medicatio for it. I think I’m allowed to be down. I feel like I can have a few bad days. I jsut have to make a choice. Like Sophie’s choice. It sucks. It’s not fiar, and I hate myself. I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare. I want my oldlife back, with dreams of my wedding and babies.

July 27th


Today is the day. I go to my specialist to know my MRI results. I’ll be honest. I totally looked at them last night. I was so anxious. I do not know much about it, but I know where the organs should be. I didn’t see anything odd. We will get the professional opinion at 4 today. I did see the nugget all tucked up and swimming in fluid. My uterus is huge lol.  Try as I might I’m so anxious right now!

The thought that I have this thing in me growing that shouldn’t be freaks me out. I feel dirty, used, disgusting. I should be feeling happy watching my belly grow, but all I can think is “is that baby or cancer?”. It’s a horrible feeling.    This is supposed to be a happy time. A time where Jeff and get to spend time together thinking about the days ahead. What baby will look like. Planing baby showers and what car seat we want. It just sucks.

Every minute closer to 4 pm makes me so nervous. This determines the rest if my life. If I get to be a mom to this baby or not. If I get to start chemo and radiation now or later. So many if’s that get decided today. So much to think about. I’m surprised I even slept last night. It probably had everything to do with me not napping yesterday.

Got put on iron tablets today. Go me. I have to take three of those things a day! That’s crazy! All my other meds are once a day, and then bam! This one! Hopefully it’ll help me not feel so tired. I have to take it with food, so I am glad my morning sickness is slowing dow(knock on wood). That will help me gain some weight.

Good vibes needed today.

July 26th


So today is the MRI. I got up feeling good. And got stressed while we drive to the appointment. Got there checked in and was taken to the back. I was not poked! It was with out contrast of my abdomen and pelvis. 

The abdomen one was different. I had to talk to a radiologist to discuss that I am 11 weeks pregnant and that this could have consequences. I told him I did but I needed to know. He said that was what My ob/gyn said too. I signed the piece of paper for my consent. It was freezing. I got four blankets(3 for my body and 1 for my arms since they were over my head).  I slid in and the fun began. 

I had to hold my breath and all that fun jazz. After than the pelvis. Much easier, no holding of breath. I would have fallen asleep minus the cold and changing of noise. After the noise stopped I was pulled out and in my way. They said it would take 2 hours, but I was done in about 1 and a half hours. Then I had a job interview! Back at my old hospital! I was so happy! I’ll find out in a few weeks but still. Anywhere but the call center! 💕

So ups and downs. Jeff and I are now doing laundry then dinner and the Big Bear Lodge! So excited! We find out tomorrow! 

The CD that holds the answers to the rest of my life

July 24th


Another day where I wake up feeling awful. I was puking last night(pizza and a fudgecicle, good times). I kept puking until early morning. Called off. Finished my FMLA and now I’m trying to keep down simple food. I have kept down water and a Popsicle. 💪🏻

So yesterday I had blood work down at my primary care doctors office. Most of it came back good. My hemoglobin and hemocrit were up! That’s good news! But my iron was really low. So now I’m looking up iron rich foods and hoping I can keep them down! I think I will eat a hamburger tonight! 🍔

Other than that just trying to keep a oisituve mental additive, which I’ll be honest I had a bad night. Nightmares, and throwing up, and exhausted. It’s taking its toll slowly. I woke up and for the first time in about a week cried that ugly cry. I felt so defeated  I’m so anxious about my MRI Sunday it makes me sick to think about. 

 The one good thing about owning a cat is when you feel like crap and call off she will nap with you for hours! It made me feel better to hear her purr and snuggle up next to me today. I love this cat! 

July 23rd


Today was a low day with free food and more blood work. Boo. Had our public at work and got free taco salad. I also won a free cup! Then to my primary doc to get blood drawn. I’m so tired of blood work

Other than that it’s just waiting until Monday to figure out what road we are on. I hate waiting 😔

   
 


Today has been alright I supposed. Called off work. Had some bleeding this morning. I had an exam at the doctor yesterday so it’s not unexpected. It’s just makes me so tired. Slept until 10 and felt a little better. Morning sickness was not helping the situation. 

Wanted to say thank you to everyone who listened to my story. I will be blunt with how I write. I’ll talk about blood, puke, and other bodily fluids. So I you are squemish I suggest not reading lol

Have a follow up with my primary doctor tomorrow. FMLA is underway and that’s a treat let me tell you. Giant run around! Grr

Current craving watermelon and White Castle!   
   

What’s been going on…


So I have not been posting the last few days. it has been a whirlwind of information and ups and downs. so let start from the beginning. This will get lengthy…

on June 9th I found out that Jeff and I were expecting. I was nervous but over the moon excited. Obviously the people we told were excited too! Then i had some bleeding on June 17th. I went to the ER had an ultrasound and they saw a gestational sac with yolk sac. Couldn’t find a heart beat but I was only 5 weeks. The cervix was closed and my HCG(pregnancy hormone) was rising as it should. I was sent home. I was to have an OB intake appointment but the nurse was concerned by the wording of the ultrasound. So I had blood work drawn to make sure everything was good. These cam back very high and awesome and I was scheduled for a viability ultrasound on July 1st.

Jeff and I nervously went to the appointment. I was convinced nothing would be there, but lo and behold we saw and heard a heartbeat! I was over the moon again! Was schedule for my OB intake finally and was so happy. I got pictures and everything! We were happy parents! Jeff went out of town and I had more bleeding on July 3rd. Ultrasound was done and there was a tiny little bean with a heart beat. I was nervous still but felt good seeing that.

  
At my Ob intake appointment the nurse Jillian set me up to have pap. I haven’t had one in about 4 years and my last ones came back fine. When he examined me I began bleeding. I was packed(which was not fun and told to come back the next day. If the bleeding had stopped everything would be fine, if not I would be admitted to the hospital. So nervously I went home. The next morning I got up and noticed I was still bleeding, even through the packing. And when I went to the appointment I was told to go to the ER. I had an ultrasound and saw the little gummy bear. The OB/GYN residents came and examined me and told me they wanted to do a biopsy of my cervix. I was scheduled fo surgery.

Now because I was pregnant I had to have a spinal block, not general anesthesia due to being 10 weeks pregnant. That was different. I felt the poke of the numbing stuff then was told I would “feel pressure”. I didn’t feel any pressure but my butt did get warm and my legs felt heavy. I was laid back strapped into the stirrups and off we went! I didn’t feel anything, minus movement and sometimes pressure, but no pain. I laid there and they did their thing. I talked to the nice guy watching my vitals and he told me my labs. After all was said and done I was told we would had a talk. “Good or bad talk? I asked. “Not a good one” the doc responded.

It was at that moment I knew. I had cervical cancer. I just knew. So they rolled me to recovery and asked me if I wanted my family present when they told me. I said yes. So they got Jeff and my mom. I was told I have a 5cm tumor on my cervix, It was squamous cell invasive cancer stage 1 2B. Treatment is radiation and chemo therapy and the pregnancy would be terminated. I was sad but I tried to keep a good face. My mom went down to cry with her co-w0rkers(she works at this hospital on the ICU). Jeff and I just sat. I was trying to absorb it all, but I was numb like my legs.

I was taken up to the 7th floor for recovery. My hemoglobin was going down, due to the bleeding, and they wanted to monitor that. I was stuffed with packing which I could slowly start to feel and felt like a build-a-bear. The oncologist gynecologist came up and game me the news. I had a panic attack and threw up. I don’t remember much other than getting poked and trying not to cry. I know my dad and step mom showed up. I wasn’t hungry.

I was poked every 6 hours. No fun. I was getting fluid and was told if I didn’t pee soon after surgery I would get a foley cath(a tube into your bladder). I was so not having that. So I ended up finally peeing 675 mL. That’s more than a 20 bottle of coke. What was strange was that I could not feel when i had to pee. With the packing I felt like I constantly had to go. I didn’t sleep that night. I did eat some graham crackers and peanut butter and had an awesome nurse and extern who took care of me. My bestie came up and cried. I did a little too. Jeff slept on a chair and I had vitals every 4 hour and my blood pressure kept going down.

In the morning I ate breakfast even though I wasn’t hungry. I walked around the unit with my owl Hugh. I was tired of sitting in the same spot. The increased my fluids and brough my blood pressure up a bit. I had visitors, which was nice. My uncle and aunt, my Oma, and Jeff’s best friend. It was nice to see people. I was trying to remain positive. I have been trying this whole time. So I was discharged that night after the packing was taken out(seriously it was like a magic trick the amount of gauze that wa up there). I was so happy to be home. I needed to think and I needed to be home and away from everything to do that.

The next few days were kinda somber. I had a follow-up with my OB/GYN and just talked about the hospital and the biopsy. He was surprised by how fast everything progressed. It was somber. I saw the nurse who did my OB intake and we hugged. I had an appointment with my specialist the next day, today.

I saw my doctor and she looked at everything. Confirmed it is 5cm on the cervix. Felt around and looked and didn’t see that it had spread. Looks contained to the cervix. Treatment is 6-7 weeks of chemo and radiation. We talked about continuing the pregnancy. I can tell she is not thrilled. What would happen would be I would  start chemo at 27-28 weeks and deliver at about 30 weeks. my little baby would be in the NICU while I underwent the chemo and radiation.

I have an MRI scheduled to see everything. It is the safest to continue the pregnancy, however if this has spread I will have to start treatment as soon as possible. My specialist is pretty open. I asked the risks and the obvious is the cancer spreading. We will know more after the official pathology report and the MRI which I will have Sunday the 26th and follow up with the specia

You can ask me any questions you want. If I have the answers I will let ya know. Yes I’m scared. Yes I’m nervous. I’m trying really hard not to cry. I’m trying to keep positive and laugh. I have been making jokes the whole time this has been going on. I had one night where I cried. and when I got up i was done with that. I can’t do that anymore. Not to say I won’t cry anymore, but I just have to save my enegry for the fight ahead.

I do want to say to those who have texted and messaged me with love, thank you more than you know. the outpour of loved has gotten me through this far! Don’t feel bad for asking a question, or you are worried you’ll upset me. You might, but that is ok. I need to have questions asked. It keeps me thinking and then I ask my doctor. If I don’t like the question I will tell you that I just don’t want to answer right now.

So that is me. I’ll know more Sunday after the MRI on Sunday. Just as life started looking good, I get a huge thunderstorm that knocks stuff down. I just have to remember there is a rainbow after the storm and stay positive.

  

July 13th


I really suck at updating now. I try so hard to update over the weekend but it’s hard. I usually doing so much catching up and laundry that I just honestly forget. 

This weekend was good. Went to the street fair, saw the Minions, got Olive Garden, and bought some new clothes. All good things! Got a pair of pants for $8! I love Kohls! 

  

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