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Update on me

Sorry it’s been so long. Life is crazy. Less than a month until the wedding. Everything is falling into place. Jeff moved to Texas. Deanna has her baby. Started working at the animal shelter. Life I guess. 

We applied for th wedding license. I will pick it up when I get home. I have so much to change after the wedding just thinking about it is exhausting. I have to pay for my cat tabs and get a new license. Change the passport, bank stuff, media cal insurance, car insurance, and then the social media. 

Emotionally been doing alright which has been nice. Maybe being so busy has helped. Currently in Texas with Jeff. He’s a work ik working on RSVPs for our wedding. Good times. 

Tonight I’m going to eat In-N-Out burger and I am so excited! I love food adventures! I love adventures in general. It’s also been nice to see Jeff for so long. He was in Indiana before this love to Texas. I miss him being around but not in my bed lol. I love sleeping alone. I’m weird. 😝

I have a CT scan to schedule. I have an eye exam to do and glasses to finally get. So pumped. Haven’t had new glasses in probably 10 years. Yeah. Crazy. Can’t wait! đŸ€“

Well not much to update. How about some pictures? Lol

Weekend laziness 

So I’ve been playing PokĂ©mon Go and it has been amazing. I have gotten out. I feel good and like I’m avompliahing something. It sounds dumb to have happiness from a game but I really has rougher me some. A small sliver.

I have a picture of my cake from my bridal shower and a box with Hugh in it. It was a good day and I got to see so many people I like!🙂 I have so much stuff o don’t know where to put it all!

Jeff leaves me to go back to Indiana. Boo. We should find out here on the next few days when he leaves for Texas for a year. Blah not ready for him to be that far away get. I’ll be ok.

I had my MUGA scan Friday. I went in for poked twice(one poke tagged my red blood cells the other was the radioactive due). Then I for hooked up to a hear monitor and laid there for 20 minutes. They were able to measure accurately what my ejection fraction is. That’s how much of the blood in my heart is going out into my body. I scored a 51%!! That’s normal and up from what my Echo said (41%). Normal people are between 50-75%, So I get to ask if I can start running again!

So here is to some good news. Finally

And that’s ok sometimes. 

It’s been a hard couple of weeks. With Facebook and Tinehop looking back to where I was last year is depressing. I was so happy. My life was amazing. I was going to school, I was engaged, and most of all I was going to have a baby. Now…well I’m going to get married. I’m very happy for that but right now it’s a hollow. 

I can’t put a baby on my registry. I haven’t even deleted the baby one I made a year ago. I just can’t. I don’t know why either. 

So many people are complaining about either being pregnant or having a kid. Please. Must be nice. Must be nice to have it to complain about. It’s so frustrating. 

It’s so hard to be strong and not be upset by everything. Pregnant people make me cry. Babies make me cry. It just sucks. All I have is a broken dream that maybe someday will come true. I probably will never hold a baby of my own. Ever. I just have that feeling that it isn’t ment to be. Which is more depressing. 

The hardest part is how disappointing it is for m parents. I couldn’t make them grandparents. All of their friends and family are. I couldn’t do it. That makes me feel even more like a failure. 

I know people try very hard to make me feel better. I appreciate that. But you honestly can’t. No one I know has lost a baby and had cancer at the same time. It just sucks and is so isolating. 

Positive notes. I have peach fuzz. I really hope I have some hair for my wedding. It’s one thing I really want. 

I have a wedding shower in three weeks. My hair is growing in. Jeff starts his new job in two weeks. I’m stressed from all this planning. 

Gah. I need to figure out my center pieces for the wedding.  Get our menu down. I just feel stressed and very happy it’s a three day weekend.

I am doing a maintenance dose of Avastin every three weeks. It shouldn’t be too bad. Just a 30-40 minute infusion. Nothing like chemotherapy and no real side effects. I just hope this goes smoothly. I’ll be doing this for a year. which sucks because I can’t go with Jeffrey to Texas when he goes down there. I’m staying here. So boo. 

His new job is in Texas and he will be coming home every two weeks but still sucks I can’t go with him on our adventure. We’re supposed to go together. It works out though since I can keep all my doctors and insurance. So as much as it sucks I’ll stay here. Boo

I used to be able to sleep all day. Now I barely sleep. My brain won’t shut up. I should be excited about my wedding but I’m really not. I’m just waiting to get a child. I’ll be the most excited person on earth when/if that happens. I try to be optimistic but I was also forcing myself to be like that when I had bleeding in my pregnancy. We all know how that worked out. 

I struggle every day to not be bitter. It’s hard. I don’t want to be but it’s either that or I’m completely depressed. It’s hard. Pregnant people are everywhere. So are babies. It’s like a slap in the face from the universe. Look what you couldn’t do. Go me. It makes you feel completely useless. I will not feel complete until I’m a mom. I just won’t. 

Blah and once again can’t sleep. Go me. 

It’s hard

Today I was in Spribt to get an upgrade when a young couple and thirst new baby came it. I felt my heart sink. It’s so hard seeing that. I’ll never get that. And then the girl helping us started talking about how she wants babies. Asking me if I did. It took everything in my to not burst into tears and run away. It just bit my lip(literally. It helps me focus on something else) and tried with all my soul to not look at them anymore. Then he started crying. Honestly. I just wanted to run. When we left all I just kept repeating in my head “don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry “. 

I hate it. 

Not much of an update I just needed to vent before I cried all night. 

Final tests!!

So tomorrow is my final cat scan. With any luck this is my last test for a while. I’ve discovered I have become so anxious these last few weeks. So much depends on a good scan it freaks me out. I try very hard to distract myself and keep busy. It’s very hard. 

I still have to have my MUGA scan. Basically a really detailed scan of the pumping of my heart. The chemo has weakened my heart. Hopefully it will be able to recover but there is a chance it won’t be able to. Ah the joys of trying to cure cancer. 

I just want to be done. I want this to be over. I’m ready to just not think about the last year. I think I’ve been traumatized enough for a life time. 

Any good vibes appreciated 


So realized that I did not update my warriors with what’s been going on lately. So I’ve been having shortness of breath the past few days. My labs were good(low mag but that’s nothing new) and my pulse ox was 98-99%(how much oxygen is in my blood). Not sure what’s going on but it is getting better. Had an ekg and bloodwork Thursday that came back normal. So now I’m going to see my primary doctor and see what he thinks. That will be Tuesday followed by an appointment with my oncologist. My oncologist said she doesn’t think this is because of them chemo. The shortness of breath has gotten much better since then. I’m pretty much normal now, but it was a fun couple of days. Just walking to my car from my apartment was exhausting. So more to worry about from this end. 

Also been having some mouth sores which suck. I love food, and while I’m able to eat it’s a little painful. 😞 The Avastin I’m on makes any healing slow. So what normally would take a few days will probably take a week or more. Just in time for my next, and last, chemo. 

Just doubting down the days for no more chemo. I hate it so much. I don’t think I’ve ever hated anything so much in my life, and I’ve hated plenty of things! Then another CT and we get to find out if I’ll have surgery. Oh joy. I love getting my parts shuffled around lol 

Hoping that we can get this shortness of breath figured out. It was annoying. I’m tired of bloodwork and tests. I want a year without any(just poet flushes every 4 weeks). 

Anyway enjoy my EKG lol

Constantly stuck

I’m constantly stuck between being really happy for people and really jealous to the point of wanting to hurt myself. So many people I know, including people who hate me and like to rub it in my face,care pregnant and it just sucks. My best friend is pregnant and she feels guilty. And I I feel guilty because deep down part of me is so jealous and I cry. I hate it. I hate that I can’t have babies. I hate that I lost mine and I hate that everyone else gets one. People who leave their babies in hot cars and garages, get one. But not me. No. I get cancer. I get to slowly go through life just hoping I get through this. 

Chances are not great that I will. My family tries to forget that. Any cancer that has spread is bad. Very bad. And lungs is very bad. Chances of survival? Like 20% to make it two years. That’s it. I get maybe two years. 

And I hate to be the asshole to my family but they need to start facing this fact. I can’t pretend it’s good forever. I have great dreams and so much to live for but the odds are not in my favor. If I see 33 I’ll be surprised. I’m not trying to be a downer I’m just a realist. 

The chemo is working. Slowly. Then removal of my lung. But what if it’s worse again? More chemo? More cutting away of my body? When will it be enough? It’ll come to a point where I’m not living for me anymore, I’m living for them. And I’m happy to do it. I love them, but will they let me go?

I think about this a lot and partly because my mom is an ICU nurse and I worked there as well for a time. I watched so many people who were brain dead but kept “alive” by machines. There comes a point when it’s selfish. Let them go. 

I’m terrified of death. I’m an atheist so for me it’s the end. Nothing after. That doesn’t scare me. It hurting my family. It’s letting them go. It leaving them. I hate myself for it sometimes. 

People don’t talk to me about their lives because they are afraid of hurting me. And it hurts me.  It hurts that I’m this way. I wish nothing more than to be happy for them. But part of me can’t. Part of me hurts so bad I can’t fix it. Like drowning. I hate myself. I hate that I get this way. 

I just want my life back. My son back. My happiness back. I don’t think I ever will and I try so hard to put in a good face. To brace it all. To pretend it’s ok. Ok not ok. I’ll never be ok. But if I’m pretending pretend with me. 


I am currently have found life very frustrating lately. It’s hard to describe. 

I’m so ready to be done with chemo and being sick. Even though most days I don’t act sick. I pretend and try very hard to be well. I don’t think people understand how hard it is to be like this. Ok maybe one person I can think of knows. She’s got her own fight on her hands and has been fighting far longer than me. It’s part of the reason I do what I do. She’s a fighter and so am I. I think it runs in the girls in my family. 

Describe chemo. I hate it. I hate sitting there for 8 hours. I hate being nauseous the whole day. I hate losing my sense of taste. I hate being exhausted just from driving for 10 minutes. Words get lost in my head. I’ll forget what I’m saying as il saying it. I have to write everything down. It’s why I like texting more than talking on the phone. I can remember the conversation. 

I’m tired of being sad. Most days I’m pretty good at pretending I’m ok. But on some moments it’s hard. Like when the music goes off in the haopital(every time a baby is born it goes off). All I can think of is how I’ll never get that moment and how’s it been robbed from me. It makes me angry. 

I’ve given up on wanting a baby. I’m going to adopt a child. Looking at Poland currently. Why not American? Mostly because a birth mom could fight to get them back. Sounds selfish but I’ve gone through enough heart ache. I need to know it’ll be permanent and no one can take them back. Poland does sibling groups, so I’ll get two at once. I want them both under 5 if possible. It’s what keeps me going. Keeps me fighting and keeps me happy. Someday I’ll get to go to Poland and being back my kids. Mine. 

I’m pretty good at staying positive. I keep busy. I work. My wedding has been helping though most of everything is done now, minus paying for it. Jeff has been amazing. I’d be lost without him honestly. 

Been watching a lot of hockey lately. It’s been awesome. I love it. The speed the anticipation, and amazingness. Love it. Helps me focus on something other than how gross I feel. 

Got a new camera and I’ve been playing with that. I miss taking photos of moments. I’m hoping it’ll help me focus on the psi tibe as well. I love sunrises and sunsets. I love the night sky and the moon. I’m hoping to go up north and see the northern lights. That would be amazing. 

So not much of animate but it’s me and what I’ve been thinking/doing. Chemo Tuesday. Second to last one. I cannot wait to be done. I want my life back. 

Been a while…

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. Part of it was I haven’t felt the need to write. Usually I do. I have to type it out and get it out. Lately I just haven’t. 

I’m on round three of chemo. I had a CT and of my three spots one is gone, the other two are responding to treatment. I feel so much better knowing it’s working. These last few months have been long and hard. I keep a good face though. I have to. I’ll go crazy if I don’t. 

I’m constantly amazed by the kindness of others. My old floor where I used to work, made shirts for me and raised some money for a gift card. It was amazing. People tell me I’m brave and an inspiration. It’s strange to me. I don’t feel those things. I just try and keep my sanity one day at a time. And it’s really hard. 

It’s hard to see commercials with babies. Or see new moms or pregnant people. It just makes me feel lonely. I was a very happy person a year ago. I was so excited for my future. Then I lost almost everything. I had to make the hardest choice of my life. Everyday I have to live with that. It slowly gets easier some days. Others it’s harder. Mother’s Day is coming up. That will be hard. I know I won’t get a happy Mother’s Day anything. So that sucks. It shouldn’t but it does. 

I’ve been looking into adopting. I won’t be able to carry my own ans honestly I don’t want to anyone else to carry them. I can’t handle anymore loss. I need something guaranteed which is why I’m looking at Polish adoption. I want siblings, a boy and girl, and under the age of 4. Instant family for all I’ve missed. I won’t get a baby. Usually it’s toddlers about 14 months and older. But I’m ok with that. Nothing will replace what I’ve lost, but I just have to be a mom. One way or another I will be. 

After my next three rounds of chemo, if I still have spots on my lungs I get to have surgery. I still have a high chance of cancer coming back. My oncologist says we don’t beat this type of cancer, we just try to push it into remission. I hope I can achieve that. I want nothing more than my boring life back. 

So a little update from me. I’ll try and post more often, but like I said in the beginning, I just haven’t felt the urge to write like I did. Have a good one!


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